Monthly Archives: March 2019

Break Ups III

Wow, thank you everyone for your great responses on Break Ups I and Break Ups II! I’ve enjoyed writing about this topic, and many of you can relate, so we will keep the train going into Break Ups III. Here we go…

Growth Isn’t Felt

One common theme of the responses of others suffering break ups, and from my experience, is that you lose the ability to feel growth or improvement for a little while. This is, in my opinion, one of the worst things about the break up.

For example, the past month and two have been the best months in business EVER! I should feel excited about how much income I brought in. I also got flown out by a client and had some epic fun. I now also have the most amount of cash on hand I’ve ever had before, too.

I’ve also received examples from readers like you, who have described making new friends, learning new skills, making more money, traveling to new places, and learning about yourself yet not feeling like you actually gained anything.

This is what fucking sucks about break ups- you can make SO MUCH progress in life, yet not feel like you’ve gone anywhere! Until you heal, you will struggle to realize just how awesome you are as a human being.

Everywhere You Go, There You Are

This is a (famous?) quote which is intended for those thinking “I’ll be happy then.” I went through a phase of this in June of 2018 when I had to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly. Always I was waiting for a future moment to become happy, which never came.

The same happened after the break up- I naively assumed that I was ready for an adventure in Asia (Thailand), but everywhere you go, there you are. The pain followed. My bad habits learned followed.

I’m in Montreal writing this right now, and I can see how it’s followed me here too. A couple of nights ago I couldn’t help the fantasizing of me & my ex coming back together.

Dreams with her don’t stop also! Every few days I have a new dream with her, where we are having fun, talking, meeting again, etc. Sometimes they’re very lucid and realistic, and other times they make no sense at all.

Now I’m feeling more and more ready to re-try traveling to Asia, however I will do so with the wisdom that the pain which I experience now will be the pain I experience there, too.

While some circumstances, places, situations, etc. can improve or reduce your happiness, ultimately the catalyst for improvement and change has to be YOU.

The Fantasy Is Not Reality

I am in the “idealist” personality group, categorized by NF (ie. ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ) and so seeing the best in people comes naturally to me.

My mental image of my ex is likely much different than who she really is. I try to stay as grounded as possible, but it’s not always possible.

All I would want from her is to listen & understand me, but I had tried that, a few times, and it never worked out.

Letting go of the fantasy of it working out is the hardest thing. In fact, I think the pain over a break up is more-so the pain of “what could’ve been” rather than what WAS.

For example I sometimes feel sad when leaving friends from a city, but it passes fast. I miss them occasionally, but it doesn’t eat away at me, like it has with my ex. With my ex I’ve suffered for almost 6 months and in some weeks hardly functioned as an adult (who am I kidding, I stayed inside and played video games all day I didn’t “adult” at all).

Generally with friends you’re just enjoying the present moment together. You don’t have a huge plan together. You may think that you and your ex didn’t have a huge plan together, but biology did indeed- kids, spreading genes, etc. is the #1 imperative of being alive; it’s only natural it hurts.

The hardest part of a break up is accepting that IT IS OVER, and there is NO GOING BACK.

You can try focus on some of your ex’s faults, but that can just make you negative and bitter.

Break ups are a weird paradox of enjoying the good memories, but not indulging in them, not getting stuck in the past, and also moving forward, and also acknowledging the bad times, agh it goes on and on…

Love Again?

The whole “will I ever love again” or “meet someone like her again” thoughts/feelings are the worst of it all, also.

Logically I could sit down, write down my ex’s personality type & attributes, and calculate the exact number of girls in the world that are like her (in the sense of compatibility, not exactly like her) but that doesn’t help the feelings so much.

Anyone who has truly loved knows that losing that person makes you feel like you could never truly love again! It sucks!

We all know logically we’ll come out of this, one day, but in the meantime, you just have to keep pushing forward one step at a time…

Also, I am not certain at which point you begin dating again. Some sources recommend hooking up with others. Others recommend waiting some time, and then dating when you’re perfectly healthy. Others say just go with the flow.

The fact that there’s no clear cut guide on how to overcome a break up is annoying. We have landed men on the moon and no one can tell me how to feel a bit better!

Obviously you have to “ride the wave,” but surely there must be some better advice than just being miserable all the time??

As I write this out, I’ve wrote this down: “Business idea, how to get past a break up digital course.” I might actually investigate this because almost EVERYONE gets into a break up and then struggles finding the light again.

Sad Forever People

I remember I met a man in my favorite Bulgarian bar and I was talking about my “soulmate,” my ex. I was so excited. He put the idea down, and was trying to bring me down a bit, “in case it didn’t work out.”

It probably came from good intentions, but these people aren’t good because the relationship very well could work out so you shouldn’t shoot down anything until it’s actually over!

There are people who’s lives quite literally get ruined by a break up, and that’s the especially scary thing about the break up. I’d like to hear things from people like “one day you won’t miss her, you’ll get over it, etc.” but some people talk about being heartbroken for years or always having a little feeling dragging around…

That fucking scares me! I don’t want to be like this forever! If I’m going to be sad forever, then what? Do I go back to her, fix the relationship for her at the cost of me, and continue like that, or do I continue with the pain?

I think people that remain sad forever or sad for too long about their ex aren’t actually putting in the effort to recover in their lives, and they should be avoided. It’s a bit of a cruel advice but I want someone to tell me it’ll be better, not that I’ll be sad “forever and ever.”

I guess this is where the conscious effort of a recovery comes in- you’ve gotta make new friends, work out hard, travel, make money, and date new people while also still allowing yourself to cry and ride that wave.

I don’t want to be sad forever; it’s scary just how much one person- my ex- can have this much power over my emotional state. I feel that all I wanted (to be heard & cared for in the way I gave to her) was not much to ask, yet it didn’t work out. It’s confusing, painful, etc. but I refuse to be sad forever… so should you, if you’re struggling.

New Goals, New Friends, New Clothes

One of my ideas for recoveries has been to make new friends, get new clothes, and just refresh my life completely.

I’ve basically been wearing the same clothes for the past 3-5 years with the exception of a few shirts & pants. All clothes have remained in good quality, so I’ve never felt the need to replace them.

I wonder though, would getting new clothes help? I’ve had this intuition before, but didn’t end up following it.

Making new friends & connecting with people seems to be VERY helpful. Moments alone are very difficult.

I also feel excited for Thailand, but you have to be RUTHLESS in attacking your goals if you are to try recover through goal-setting. You have to dedicate all day long to focusing on it, and then hopefully one day you’ll wake up and be okay…

All I can say for me that’s helped is socializing, A LOT, and video games.

Falling In Love… With You?

One hard thing I’ve learned to do is “fall in love with myself.” I guess this is what some people say you need to do to get over a break up…

I wouldn’t say love in the romantic sense, or selfish sense, but rather in the self-care context, or in doing what makes you genuinely fulfilled.

Me going to Montreal was an example of me trying to take care of myself. Yoga would be an even better example.

Once you are recovering, you need to take massages, spa retreats, do yoga, work out hard, socialize, etc. but also learn to be independent again. When you’re with someone, a part of you fuses with them, so when you lose them you lose a part of yourself.

Even here in Montreal, 6 months later, I’ve caught myself walking through the metro imagining what I would say to my ex, or the things that I would show her. I just got so used to having her around that doing these things alone still feels so… foreign.

My guess is that if she were to be here now and was willing to amend & improve with me, then we could fit right back into each other, STILL. Or is that really the case? I’m not sure. Anyways, another hard part of break ups is learning to be yourself again.

Being alone is kind of difficult! On one hand you need to hangout with other humans, but on the other you can’t become dependent on anyone else… you need to stay as your own person, and become independent again… that’s hard.

Part III

This was break ups III. I have ideas for break ups IV that I’ll likely write even now, and who knows if we’ll make it to V. I’m surprised by the response on the break ups series and really glad that people are connecting with it. I have a lot to write, so I’ll publish the writings if you enjoy!



Break Ups II

I’m recovering from a tough break up, and so have been writing random break up thoughts & random advice that comes to mind. Here is part one.

It also received a good response (thank you to all who responded), so I’ll definitely write a few more posts about thoughts on break ups.

Here are some more misc. thoughts on break ups!

Understanding The End

One thing that really sucks about break ups is you can’t really understand the “end” of the relationship, except in some situations.

When you really truly love someone, and you’ve spent a lot of time with them, and things were great at some point, it kind of fucks with your mind to compare those good times with the present heart break feelings… and loneliness of that person being gone.

I’ve tried to reflect back on my previous relationship, and let me tell you: it’s near impossible to figure out what exactly ended the relationship.

What doesn’t help is that almost no break up is a “clean” break up. There is a saying “it was over before it was over,” meaning that at some point the break up was inevitable but not yet initiated.

Also, you’re technically “supposed” to go no-contact after the break up to help recover, but that can be difficult when you really loved the person and struggle to make sense of why you must part ways.

In me & my ex’s case, our falling apart happened over some weeks, but was triggered over the course of months, and we were in occasional contact after the break up several times. We also even talked of maybe trying to fix things… sometimes she was contacting me, sometimes I was talking her, but we both struggled to find a middle ground.

This drags out the pain so much longer than what is normally experienced in a break up, and thus lengthens the recovery time. For me it’s been 5-6 months since the “official” break up yet I still hurt, and today even let go of some tears.

Ultimately, you can’t really understand the end, and thinking back to everything is a fucking rabbit hole.

I could think of my mistakes, but why did I make my mistakes? Perhaps because she did XYZ. Well why did she do XYZ? It’s because ABC happened.

It goes all the way back, and it’s a really fucking frustrating thing because in many cases of break ups there is no clear “right or wrong.” I can’t live in the past, yet it’s all too easy to, and it’s also all too easy to fantasize me ending up in her city by accident (random business event?) and then us bumping together on the street and….

The end can’t be fully understood, in most cases, because of just how complicated it is. I’ve also tried blaming her for her mistakes, or taking 100% of the blame myself. I went through a self-attack phase where I thought everything was my fault. I also tried to blame her and focus on her faults, which didn’t help either.

For whatever reason, it happened, and you can’t be ideal about the future unfortunately. For an idealist personality like me (ENFP, NF’s being the idealists, literally) this is immensely difficult because I’d love to imagine a situation where we didn’t fall apart, or that we do come back together.

With time, more clarity comes, and more peace, but breaking up with someone is truly like understanding death: you can’t.

I suppose in some cases, such as a partner cheating, hitting you, or breaking a clear boundary, you could say a break up “is clear,” but to the person experiencing the break up it still isn’t.

Some of my friends tell me I’ll be way better off, just like I’m sure some of her friends think she’ll be way better off.

Love itself blinds us to facts about relationships which perhaps we didn’t want to see, or it makes us self-attack. In the case of an abusive relationship, the abused will often still love their abuser and justify the abuse.

So even if a break up is clear to YOU, the OUTSIDER, just wait until you experience a break up (though I’d wish you wouldn’t), and you too will be left confused and lost.

If you don’t experience this, I would be most shocked, because almost everyone I’ve met and talked about my break up has a similar story.

What Makes Break Ups Happen?

It was all sunshine and joy at some point: so why did you break up?

In some cases, it could no doubt be the “honeymoon” period blocking out all of the incompatibilities between you two. In these cases, the relationship usually dies out fairly fast, in a few months.

What makes real relationships fall apart though? I know now certainly that I had true love for my ex, just because of HOW LONG it’s taking for these feelings to go away, and how maybe if she were to get hurt I’d still rush to her help in any way possible, no-strings-attached. Love is weird like that.

I think there’s two reasons: circumstances and personality, and they both feed into each other.

In the case of personality, maybe someone is bad at listening, and the other person doesn’t feel well-listened to. Maybe one (or both) parties struggle with fight resolution.

Natural chemistry can become tainted if both people aren’t willing to put in effort to improve and detoxify any resentment or negative feelings that build up as the natural result of being in a relationship with someone.

This is where communication comes in too: you have to be able to communicate your authentic self and understand each other. If someone has a need, they have to be able to communicate it and feel it is being heard.

In the case with my ex, I didn’t always feel safe to express negative feelings towards her (ie. being upset at her), and she struggled to listen to me and understand me when I was upset.

There is no doubt a reversal to this too- I struggled with that more-so in the beginning, but improved, and I think she could no doubt find faults in me that I am either blind to or fail to acknowledge in my writings.

The other thing which makes relationships fall apart is probably circumstances. I saw a lot of this in my past relationship, and I think it’s really what made us fall apart more than anything else.

In June of 2018 I had to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly, and we probably both weren’t at a point in our lives where we were mature enough or wise enough to handle a temporary long-distance relationship.

I became depressed, stopped taking care of myself, etc. and she had things happen also. We hurt each other. I traveled to Cyprus instead of Thailand, even though my heart wanted Thailand, so as we planned on moving to Germany together I had this gnawing feeling of wanting to explore Asia.

Now that I’ve been to Thailand (and even though I want to go back), I realize now that had I just traveled there FIRST when I had to leave Bulgaria, then things could’ve turned out A LOT differently because I wouldn’t have a mental fantasy to project happiness onto.

During a lot of the relationship & life struggles, Thailand / Asia became a mental fantasy of happiness because I had really wanted to go, but didn’t.

And I mean, just think about it: a 20 year old has to leave a whole country with 1 week’s notice, and his 19 year old girlfriend is devastated. That is no age to be handling such problems, so even though I was very much hurt by mistakes she made, I can also empathize with her.

During our first month apart, several of my boundaries were crossed, but can I really blame her? I could say it was a fault in her personality, which at first I did, but we must also acknowledge that the situation was so fucking intense and rare to relationships in general that she doesn’t deserve to be burdened with blame.

Because I didn’t feel listened to and understood later, I struggled with forgiving her over those things.

Our falling apart likely began when I had to leave Bulgaria. This is what makes it all-that-more painful, is knowing that maybe we could’ve worked if we just had a few more months together.

I think every relationship is a bit crazy for the first 6ish months, but after that point you begin to “stabilize” and find your new identity within the relationship.

I noticed that with me & my ex. Our first 5 months were all over the place, but in the last month we began to “balance out.” Rather than spending all the time together, we also had friend time. We were finding our places and enjoying a sort of homeostasis.

Leaving Bulgaria interrupted the “solidifying of homeostasis,” so it’s no doubt that the chaos burnt us both out and we struggled to come back together.

Now the wounds are so deep that I question if there would be any hope for us to recover, if we were to find each other in the same city, though the idealist in me would like to believe that anything is possible.

Ultimately, this is why I think relationships fall apart: circumstances or personality.

What Makes a Relationship Work?

Trust, respect, and communication, love, and luck are I believe the 5 elements that make a relationship work. Let’s break down each one.

Trust. You absolutely MUST trust each other. If you can’t trust each other, then there is no relationship. Period. Me & my ex had a ton of trust in each other, however near the end of the relationship I think we both lost a little trust in each other because of the way we were handling our problems, which was not effective.

Respect. All relationships require sacrifice, and what makes you sacrifice things? Respect. Think about it: would you take a bullet for a random homeless person, or would you take a bullet for your partner, or best friend?

Even though you feel compassion for the homeless man, you are more likely to take a bullet for your friend because you respect your friend whereas homeless people demand no respect.

If you respect your partner enough, you’re willing to make compromises to make the relationship work no matter what. For example, you may want to sleep with other people, but you respect the relationship more than that desire so you stay.

Also, sometimes issues come up that you simply can’t resolve. Have you ever dated someone and loved some of the cute, silly things they did, that were also slightly annoying? Respect & love fused together makes you enjoy the things which would normally annoy you about someone.

Me and my ex no doubt started to lose respect for each other as the problems tore us apart. I think she thought I was greater than I was, so when I turned out to be depressed & poor in Cyprus, she didn’t really respect me and my boundaries. I lost respect with her when I became hurt, and didn’t take as good care of her when we were back together, which further hurt her and created a downward spiral.

Communication. With first trust & respect, you need to be able to communicate with each other your own needs as well as listen to the needs of the other. You must be completely authentic, even if it offends the other person.

Everyone knows that communication is important so I won’t elaborate so much. All that I’ll say is that listening is so much more important than people realize. People need to feel heard. Give someone that feeling and they’ll stick around for life.

Love. Love doesn’t make a relationship work- it brings people together, and keeps propelling them together, but should any other ingredient lack then the love will be built on a house of cards; it will fall apart too easily.

Think of love as the glue that cements the other qualities together. Me and my ex loved each other more than anything (well, at least I loved her, only she can say now whether she truly loved me or if it was infatuation). Tons of people literally told us to get married because they saw how happy we were together, and how much effort we were putting in. Unfortunately, love doesn’t make a relationship work, though it does make it awesome, and without love there is no romantic relationship.

Luck. I knew when I wrote the first 4 that I was missing something, and the 5th is no doubt luck.

Circumstances make or break relationships. In our modern world, so many crazy things can happen which just isn’t fair to romantic love! Back in the hunter-gatherer tribes we were from, you were around someone all the time so you don’t have to deal with bullshit such as immigration problems.

In the case of me & my ex, we had absolutely terrible luck. I mean, we had some good to begin- my home was 55 seconds from her school, so we could see each other often.

But in the end we had more bad luck than good, like a cruel joke from the Universe. Like I keep saying, having to leave Bulgaria was the sudden event which began the end of the relationship, even if we didn’t realize it then.

Without that bad luck, our trust, communication, respect, and love would’ve kept growing so that maybe we could’ve handled the situation better in the future!

We should also add “circumstances” with luck. I chose to go to Cyprus instead of Thailand, which created poor circumstances in which I lost more money and I became unhappier, which obviously wouldn’t help the relationship at all!

When I reflect back on my past relationship, the hardest part about getting over it is that I realize that LUCK is what we lacked, whereas we initially HAD everything else!

We only fell apart because our luck & circumstances were so bad that we couldn’t handle the problems. You could argue that it just meant we weren’t mature enough for an adult relationship, but ask yourself if you know of any couple that had problems with immigration & travel & money like we did?

All other problems in the relationship would’ve been manageable, and we could’ve overcame them. There is a limit to what the human can experience!

I used to think I was so invincible, that I could handle anything, but I’ve learned in the past year that even I have limits and shortcomings. You can only grow so fast. You can only handle so many problems. Pile enough shit on someone and things start to snap.

Of course, you can always choose how you react to the problem, but sometimes you just aren’t prepared. We absolutely can’t be perfectionists, for that would block us off from forgiveness.

Without acknowledging the element of luck in the past relationship, I could very well become bitter at her mistakes, which I did at first. It also made me self-attack for my mistakes & short-comings. Now I realize that acknowledging the shitty aspect of life which is that luck IS involved helps you forgive and move on.

Again, not every situation. Some people have perfect luck, such as both wanting to live in the same city for the rest of their lives and not having immigration problems or legal problems or money problems, but due to respect or personality or trust issues they fall apart.

The Hardest Break Up vs. The Easiest

We broke up because we lost respect, trust, etc. but we only lost that because we failed to handle an extremely intense situation that I doubt most people could overcome.

Relationships that fall apart due to bad luck I think are the hardest to overcome. Also, sometimes the timing is just shit.

I’ve had other break ups due to respect & trust issues, such as a girl who cheated on me. Getting over that break up with a walk in the park for obvious reasons- she destroyed trust, she had no respect, and she didn’t even communicate her mistake.

The hardest break ups, in my opinions, are the ones in which you SLOWLY lose one of the 5 elements of a successful relationship, OR you have bad luck.

The easiest break ups are when early on or suddenly someone breaks more than 1 of the elements of a successful relationship.

Imagine if you didn’t have all 5: you couldn’t trust, respect, communicate, or love someone, and you couldn’t even be in the same city. Would you be with them? It’s an obvious no. In this way, by thinking of the opposite, we can indeed realize that these 5 elements are the crucial 5 elements that make a relationship work (or not).

Improving Future Relationships

As much as it still hurts to think of myself with someone else still, understanding these 5 elements of a successful relationship makes me feel just a bit better because I know how to improve future relationships and prevent problems before they get too bad.

For example, I’ll probably wait to seriously date until I immigrate fully back to Sofia, Bulgaria because otherwise in my life I will lack a severe element of “luck.” For example, if I fall in love stopping through Bali, the relationship will be born with difficult circumstances – either me immigrating to Bali or vice versa, or if she’s a foreign girl (ie. German girl) then it’ll create several problems too.

That doesn’t mean I won’t date at all, just that I’ll keep in mind that my element of luck is shit until I’m settled in one city!

I also realize now just how important then other 3 elements of a relationship are- trust, respect, and communication.

Me and my ex had such passionate love we thought that would carry us through thick and thin. While it did help a lot, love doesn’t make the relationship work – it simply glues together other things. If you have problems, then it glues together the problems, but if you have respect, trust, and communication, then those will be glued together and you’ll be pair bonded for life!

Part II

So this was Part II of Break Ups. If you have any other thoughts, feel free to leave them! I think I’ll write a part III or even IV, especially if this gets a positive response.

Thanks for reading (:


Break Ups I

Break ups are arguably one of the most traumatic things someone can experience in their life.

If you’re being rejected, it’s kind of like the other person is saying “your genes don’t deserve to reproduce” (on an ultra-logical level).

If you have to do the rejecting, it also hurts a lot because you can have conflicting feelings; you can both love the person, and wish to be treated better.

As I’m still struggling 5 months later to get over a break up, I just wanted to write down some thoughts about break ups you might relate to.

Breaking Up With Someone… Harder or Easier?

There’s this notion that “breaking up with someone” is easier than being broken up with, but I’d actually argue that it’s the other way around.

If someone breaks up with me, I can easily say “well they didn’t want me, time to improve myself,” etc. and move on. Granted it still hurts a shit ton, but for whatever reason I feel it’s a lot easier.

Same if someone cheats with you. You can just go “oh that person is a [insert favorite profanity here]” and move on.

Now I know this is a vast over-simplification. In the cheating example, the person cheated on may have been a bad partner which led the other person into the temptation of being cheated.

However, the person who was cheated on can much more easily justify moving on with “XYZ is a bad person” rather than entering a loop of thinking back into the relationship (though that still happens).

Finally, getting broken up with allows you the justification of saying “well they broke up with me once, so I can never know if they’ll break up with me again, so I can’t trust myself back in this relationship ever again.”

Again, all vast over-simplifications, but you get the general picture. I’d argue, based on my experience, that getting broken up with is MUCH easier. I also feel that for someone interested in self-development it’s a lot better because you can just improve yourself, and have a little selfish goal of making your ex jealous.

Now, breaking up with someone…. THAT is fucking tough.

I broke up with my last ex, and man was it one of the hardest things I ever did. For months I’ve replayed the whole thing in my mind, wondering if I should’ve stayed, wondering if she would’ve done XYZ, or I would’ve done ABC.

When you break up with someone, you have to deal with conflicting feelings of “was this the right decision?”

In some cases, such as being cheated on, it’s a clear-cut decision and easier to move on.

In my case, where there is so much “grey area,” it’s been a lot more difficult.

For example, I loved her a ton… you could argue I still have some deep feelings that might not ever go away for her. Those feelings are constantly guiding me towards her. There are good memories and bad memories.

When I say “oh but XYZ boundary was crossed,” another thought in my mind goes “well maybe you should’ve made the boundary more clear?” Or I wonder if perhaps I should’ve expressed more of my pain, or that I was considering breaking up with her, so that she had more time to clean up her act.

I also have self-attacked at all of the mistakes that I’ve made, wondering if I got hurt from the relationship because of MY contribution, and whether she made her mistakes from my mistakes.

As you can see, it’s kind of a loop. You have mixed feelings when you’re the one walking away. You can both love the person and wish for something better.

In my case, I just wanted her to listen and understand my feelings. There were many positive sites to her which I was super grateful for. When you break up with someone, you’re consciously giving up those things, and the brain sees them as separate.

Love is also naturally forgiving, so being the one to walk away is all that more challenging because you are the one causing the pain… you feel guilty, and sometimes you even forgive them.

Again in my case, I forgive her for her mistakes. When I tell my friends some things which was done that hurt me, they state that I should’ve broken up “there and then.” Then again, I made some bad mistakes, and I also had deep feelings for her (and still letting go).

They remind me I’m going to be better off, but it doesn’t exactly feel that way sometimes. Some days, like today, are just a bloody mess.


Anyways, what exactly IS better off? In my mind, the best solution is to just ‘fix things and move on.’

In my mind, the ideal situation is coming back together and both parties making right on their wrongs, both parties forgiving, and both parties moving forward and creating a stronger, healthier relationship.

I guess I’m a bit too idealistic, as I tried this (kind of). I let her talk for hours of all my mistakes on a video call, and I took it all honestly and without blame-shifting. In hindsight, this was probably me just taking a knife and gutting myself, and set me back months in recovery from the break up.

She unfortunately wasn’t willing to listen that maybe she made some bad mistakes too, and that maybe some of my mistakes were caused by her.

Now, when I say “caused by her,” I don’t necessarily mean like I was like “oh you did this, now I’m going to do that.” I just mean that there’s a chain of events which leads to a break up.

In our case, it all kind of started with me having to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly in June of 2018- we weren’t really mature enough to handle the problem, and so one thing toppled onto another until eventually we broke up.

Perhaps we cried so hard as I left for the flight not because we were going to be long distance, but because it was the beginning of the end, and subconsciously we both knew it.

Alas, I can’t be so idealistic. Still in my mind I see what could be, and I see the best in others as I see the best in myself.

Reminding myself of the negatives of her doesn’t help, and it doesn’t do her justice for she did do some truly amazing things- but I also must remember the ways in which I was hurt.

See how it’s a bit of a “fine line” type situation? Don’t idealize too much, don’t be negative, agh it’s so hard getting over a break up!

I suppose I’m always trying to be my ideal self, and in doing so I see the ideal in others. I see the best in her, even while away, and I wish the best for her, and hope she improves, and that we all improve in life. That doesn’t mean that even though one day I’ll be my ideal self that she will- though I hope she does because who she can be is incredible. Who we all can be is incredible.

I guess this is part I of break up thoughts, what are your thoughts?


How To Improve: Finding Direction in a Directionless World

Tonight while traveling to home, a fascinating video popped up on my YouTube feed.

It claimed to hold the “real truth” about why the pyramids were created, and what their function was.

Before this I had also studied a video on a part of the brain, which apparently holds our “consciousness.” However, it wasn’t as simple as “this is consciousness,” it instead had some pretty crazy spiritual implications.

I’ve also been reading Power vs. Force, which is to my surprise (I honestly wasn’t sure what I was getting into when I got this book) is about human consciousness all being connected to an extent.

It should go without saying that my head is a bit packed with information to digest tonight.

However before I should find myself resting & resetting, I thought that I must first write this article, to share with you some night thoughts and feelings.

I have no particular direction for this piece; I shall let words write themselves. What I’d like to write about, and what you might find interest is, is how exactly do we find direction in a world so confusing? Let us dive deep…

Our World & Urgency, Resourcefulness vs. Impossibility

Except for those things which have already been answered, our world is pretty fucking crazy.

How do you successfully land men on Mars, and explain into a multi-planet civilization? Well, no one can really say. Also, most would assume that it’s impossible in the near future. This question alone sounds absurd by nature, and too “out-of-reach” for our times. It’s easy to think that this will be done “in a few decades,” but why not within this decade?

After all, from what I remember (could be wrong) American President John F. Kennedy requested that within a decade we land a man on the moon… and we did it.

In those times we had a motivating force: beat the Russians. There was a great sense of urgency to the project of landing a man on the Moon.

What if we created the same sense of urgency for ending world hunger, or raising everyone’s quality of life to a minimum standard?

It’s not like we lack the resources to achieve such a thing; in fact, we have demonstrated in the past extremely resourcefulness to achieve “crazy” feats such as landing a man on the moon with technology less powerful than the device you are using to read this article now.

With a proper goal and implementation, humanity has demonstrated that basically any “impossible” task can and WILL be achieved with the proper effort (or power) put in to achieve it.

Actually think about it: we put a man on the moon 50 some years ago, with technology less capable than what most people carry in their pockets (phones). 50 years ago people would’ve thought it would’ve been crazy to send texts, play virtual games, etc. yet now it’s SO common.

We did what was impossible. We did it time and time again. Just think back to 200 years ago, and look at how much we’ve changed.

What is Common, is Forgotten

What is now common is forgotten to be “crazy,” but instead becomes part of the habitual routine of humanity itself.

I recall a time growing up when you had to walk down to your neighbor’s house and ring the doorbell in order to ask a friend to hangout. Occasionally we could use the phone, too.

These days we send texts, and flakiness is rather quite common due to the extreme ease of communication.

“Back in the day” you had to schedule a time to meet and actually commit to it because there was no possible way to notify someone that you wouldn’t be able to meet them if something came up!

So for this section’s point, it’s that what is common, is forgotten to have been previously seen as “out of reach.”

For some reason, humanity never seems to realize this fact, and so we perpetuate this cycle of deeming future goals as “impossible” or “not achievable” when we have demonstrated time and time again that wild feats are indeed more easily accomplish-able than we initially realized!

It baffles me just how normal this computer I type on is to my life. As a kid I never could’ve imagined such a thing, yet here it is.

Example: World Travel

Take my personal life example of making money online & traveling the world!

I had a ton of urgency & a strict deadline for wanting to achieve this goal, and I became magically resourceful enough to achieve this goal. By age 19, beginning at age 18, I was able to make money online and travel the world.

I assure you I am no genius, and far from it in fact. My first international city, Montreal (where I’m at now), I struggled so much to understand basic transit information such as metro & bus paths. In fact, I avoided buses until I was in Bulgaria, and I only began taking buses because I found an app that helped me create routes.

To someone who has lived in Montreal or Bulgaria their whole lives, understanding public transit maps is a normal part of life and so no big deal.

My sub-point here is that when you put a lot of effort into something, it becomes “no big deal,” yet for those things you don’t have experience with, you feel suddenly “anxious” or as if it’s hard to achieve.

When I arrived in Belgium, my friend had to correct me on which platform I went on because I was sitting in the wrong train. I was so confused. Now I look at it and feel embarrassed to admit this, as my map-reading skills are on point!

Don’t get distracted by the point here: that which is unfamiliar feels scarier & bigger than it really is.

Now for the main point: I became resourceful due to my urgency to achieve my world travel goal ASAP. I REALLY wanted to achieve it, and I also suffered from chronic pain at the time so making money online for me became the “ultimate goal” to improve my life.

After achieving it, and now having traveled the world internationally for almost 2 years now, going to new places is hardly so scary as it was initially.

I still do experience culture shock, and will for some time, but by the time I’ve traveled for 3+ years and visited 20+ countries it should go without saying that I won’t hardly feel afraid of traveling to yet another country or city or place.

This is my real-life example of urgency, resourcefulness, and that which is common, is forgotten. Keep reading, as this is about to get intense.

Goal-Setting: FEAR

So that which is in the past is “whatever.” It is common & forgotten to be something out of the ordinary.

However, for whatever reason, future goals remain so scary. Why is that? Why is it that “abolishing hunger world-wide” is such a big goal to achieve, yet putting a man on the moon 50 years ago was achieve-able?

Does anyone scoff at the idea of transmitting data signals through the air & around the world to text me people instantly via small devices virtually everyone carries in their pockets?

No, but 100 years ago, you likely would’ve been sent to a mental hospital for insinuating such a thing!

Even 50 years ago, the whole idea of modern-day texting, WiFi, and mobile phones would’ve likely been too far out of reach for people to understand.

Why is that? Why was that so? Why was it that the few that carried on with the projects to create this great new reality were first considered crazy, and now basically worshiped (ie. Steve Jobs) for bringing about that which was originally believed to be impossible?

In my own life I experience this too: to get where I am at today felt like a dream, a fantasy just out of reach. In my head it is SO EASY that anyone could do it. If you were to take away everything that I have right now, I could easily get it back, BECAUSE of the fact that I’ve created the mental pathway to achieve it.

However for me to 4x my business, or 40x my business feels scary, yet having talked with entrepreneurs who are making over 100x me, they feel it would be “so easy.”

As I write this, I realize I too am trapped by the restraints of mental thinking & action. It’s easy to point the fingers at others, and hard to point it at yourself. When I write this, I point the finger at everyone, including myself.

So for whatever reason, we feel that future goals are so unattainable such so that we shoot ourselves in the foot before we even begin. For example, many people go to University not really knowing what they want because it’s the “safe path,” or they do what their parents think they should do.

In reality, it is only the illusion that they are so unattainable. Once you’ve created a path to a certain goal, it becomes re-achievable a million times over with less than half the effort; you know exactly what you need to do to get back to where you were, it is just moving to a NEW goal which is so scary.

Chaos & Confusion: Lies & Ignorance

What doesn’t help with goal-setting, improvement, and understanding the truth of our world is that their is so much ignorance, and so many lies, surrounding each and every subject in the world.

For example, I am very much into health and improving my fitness. I have found articles claiming that the meat-only diet is effective, or that the vegan diet is effective.

Some articles state that you should eat more fruit, whereas others recommend against eating fruit except at certain times.

One way I’ve learned to get around this is to find “common first principles.” For example, most “diets” work because they involve cutting out processed foods & sugar.

Some people recommend high carb, others low carb, but ultimately when you cut out dessert, added sugar, and processed foods you’ll experience a benefit either way.

This is part of the ignorance of our world, is that we lack CONTEXT through which to view the data we are collecting. Paleo is certainly more effective than the standard American diet, but so is the Atkins diet… WHY is that so?

There are also flat-out lies created with the intent to deceive us, or intentions which while good create ultimately negative outcomes.

One example of this would be all of the mental health medications. They don’t address the cause of the mental health issues but instead treat the symptoms. People become so identified with their “depression,” they take medication.

It saddens me how this happens. People convince themselves that their brain “just malfunctions,” and their depression isn’t a result of isolation, too much social media, a lack of cold showers, a lack of love, a lack of sex, or a lack of exercise.

How many people that you know who use medication for their mental health problems have tried eating right, exercising, getting more (and better) friends, taking cold showers, finding love / sex partner(s), and quitting social media BEFORE taking these pills from Big Pharma?

All of the above are scientifically proven to help with depression, yet a psychiatrist or psychologist is very unlikely to help you try all of these things before medicating you on a dangerous drug (which also has negative side effects).

I should add that in some extreme cases, it makes sense to medicate WHILE taking these actions. For example, if the patient is apathetic or suicidal, it would make sense to fix the symptom WHILE fixing the cause.

However, are the causes EVER addressed? No. I know for me that was true. I had to put my fucking hands in the mud to fix my mental problems because all the goddamn psychiatrist wanted to do was put me on anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medication.

I was even laughed at for asking whether diet, video game addiction, and apathy could cause my depression (at the time)!

Finding truth & answers in this world is fucking hard when the “professionals” which we give our power to aren’t even truly knowledge-able within their own field.

In the above case the psychiatrist knew how to throw pills at a problem, but not how to fix it without the use of pills or create a long-term solution that didn’t involve dangerous medication (which by the way, also prevented my dick from working, so there’s no way in hell I was going to use that as a long-term solution).

You. Are. Alone.

Here’s an ugly truth: You’re fucking alone. The government, professionals, teachers, and anyone else can’t help you.

It’s on YOU to fix your own life, find your own truth, and solve your own problems. And that’s a scary reality to wake up to.

I can’t blame anyone that wishes to crawl back into the fantasy of the government actually taking care of the individuals or professionals being genuine.

Now obviously most people have GOOD INTENTIONS, but in the case of my ex-psychiatrist, he also was extremely ignorant of the true causes of depression and lacked any knowledge of other potential cures.

Because he had never experienced a cure of depression through exercise or cold showers or proper diet, he couldn’t imagine that reality to exist. To someone like me who has ran experiments on my own body, it is as true as gravity.

I didn’t intend this article to get so dark, but really this is the sad truth. Your parents are not so genius as your kid-self imagined them to be, and it turns out the institutions of school & government are just made of flawed people just like you.

It is a false mental security to believe that any one person can cure you; it must be on you to fix your ow problems. Even if not your fault (we are all born in situations lacking in one way or another) it is now your responsibility to handle the situation. That’s scary, I know..

Delayed Effect

Do you think that in the next 50 years, the cure for cancer and perhaps all your life’s problems may be discovered?

If so, then they exist right now. Buckle up.

Truth is often discovered by the masses much later than the few geniuses who pioneer the new field.

It was in the minds of few to put a man on the moon before the masses accepted it, and it took actually doing it for the masses to believe it.

In medicine, the fact that “washing your hands” could help save more baby lives was considered “insane,” until 50 years later (could be wrong #, but rough range) it became common practice.

The man, Semmelweis (look him up), discovered that washing your hands could help the lives of everyone, and it would improve children’s health too!

When he presented this information, he lost his job. He died before hand-washing became common practice.

You read that right. The man who scientifically validated that washing your hands before delivering a baby could help save the baby’s life and prevent it from receiving a disease after birth was considered “crazy,” and he died before he could even see his discovery put in action.

These days we would scoff at any medical professional who didn’t wash their hands before touching us, would you not? Would you accept a surgery where the surgeon didn’t wash their hands? I know I wouldn’t.

Finding truth and genuinely improving in this world is set-back decades because of the ignorance of the masses. This is true of everything, though my focus has been on medicine.

If you believe that in the next 50 years the cure for cancer will exist, then it actually exists now, but those who discovered it are struggling to get mainstream medicine to even accept their invention!

What can we take away from this valuable information? Whatever we wish to find, we must search first through a lot of bullshit. The masses are often NOT innovative, until AFTER said innovations are common.

If you wish to find the secret to making money online and traveling the world, you best not find it at your local University. Instead you’ll have to become educated in less-mainstream areas, such as books from Amazon, online courses, and mentor-ships. 

Pyramids & Self-Help

In the beginning of this article I mentioned how I watched a video about the “truth” of the great pyramids being built.

I can’t say whether it is true, but the video had good evidence suggesting that perhaps a past civilization was using it for some form of electricity. The American genius Tesla actually attempted to create a tower for the same purpose the pyramids may have been built for.

We can’t know what is the truth, due to the facts stated above. First, there is no urgency to discover the truth. Second, this is an uncommon belief, so it is ridiculed. It would also fragment our sense of reality & history, so it’s easier to believe they were just for tombs. People aren’t open-minded and willing to explore other possibilities in depth due to ignorance.

Never-mind the pyramids though: I simply was curious as to their truth. If this true, then it would be feasible to create similar structures and create an endless power source (which is what Tesla was hoping could be done in the early 1900’s).

A more practical example of all that I wrote is self-help. Take the question of, “how do I discover my life’s purpose?” Or even something more specific such as “how do I make money online and travel the world?”

Without urgency, it’s unlikely you’ll be resourcefulness enough to discover the answer. Because it’s so scary & new, you may likely resist following the new path in favor of that which is comfortable. It won’t help that there are several “false prophets” who will misguide you. Finally most people are ignorant of this goal being so easy to achieve, so requesting comfort from the masses won’t be do-able. In fact, the masses may likely put you down for attempting to break their bubble of reality.

How Do We Find Direction?

So how do we fucking find direction when there is so much misinformation, the masses are ignorant, we feel intrinsically afraid of uncertainty (despite having seen time and time again just how easy the impossible is), and you genuinely are alone?

I guess I had this question when I started writing this article, and by understanding the limits of ourselves, we can construct the answers.


Perhaps the key ingredient in everything is courage. Courage to try. Courage to believe. Courage to think outside the box and ask something different.

The masses (and me and you) are so comfortable with what IS that we are missing just how crazy it is for all of this to even exist. No one sounds quite shocked at the fact we landed a man on the moon (50 years ago), or that we have phones in our pockets, yet this is only an effect of us having these facts & technologies around for a certain period of time.

Courage is accepting that you could get hurt also. You might try a new diet only to find it doesn’t work well with you. You might lose a little money trying to start your business.

You get hurt because ultimately you are alone, and there is no one who can guide you on your path completely. Some goals which have already been achieved by others will be easier, depending on your own sense of reality & your own sense of achievement, but ultimately you’ll hit a point where you need to face the darkness to hit the next level.

You don’t know what will happen. There is no clear direction in this world. I wish there was man, I really do. It would be so nice for someone to say “this is your purpose,” and for me to follow the steps, just as I learned in school.

School negatively impacts us in that way. Schools teaches us that we have to follow a set path (instructions) but it doesn’t teach us how to create our own. In the real world, there are no instructions or directions.

Now that I’m an adult, and a self-employed one at that, I truly feel the brute force of that. Most 20 year olds are in college, still having their directions handed to them. They then get a job which hands more direction to them.

Still they have a sense of “what more,” and that I’m certain, and being as I have a lot more free time and no one telling me what to do, that feeling is a bit louder, which is why you get this article today.

We have to be courageous to follow our own hearts and desires and dreams and ambitions and thoughts and goals.


I recall a book I read in English class 11th grade (title forgotten) about the Vietnam war. The American soldier being drafted wanted to flee to Canada. He said he was a COWARD, and went to war.

What did he mean, to be a coward and go to war? Those who went to war were considered heroes and brave! Only now does this line hit me like a bullet. He was a coward because he followed the masses, when his heart told him to flee to Canada and pursue a life of peace. He ignored his heart and suffered so many mental problems because of it (I also recall all American soldiers who fled the war being pardoned, so ironically he would’ve been able to return to America anyways, an indication that his heart knew something his mind didn’t).

In the same way it is cowardly to do what your parent’s want you to do, or your society, or government, or to follow the masses when your heart asks for something else. If your heart doesn’t know what it wants, just start DOING things and asking questions- don’t follow their path yet, unless your heart says to. 

Courage & Direction

Ultimately we create our own paths in life. It’s a bit scary to admit just how chaotic it actually is, is it not?

There is no set path, set line, or goal that anyone else can really give to you.

If you do search for direction or improvement or truth, it won’t be easy. What is the truth of the pyramids? The truth is hard to find. How do you optimize happiness? The truth is hard to find.

This article was wrote as a result of me realizing just how “un-guided” life feels sometimes; many of my life questions had to be figured out by myself because there were no clear answers.

I asked, “how do I do this,” and no one could answer. I needed courage to find the answer amidst all the chaos.

You too need courage, to follow your path, seek the truth, and live your life.

What will you do now, courageous one?


Montreal is Amazing!

It’s been a few hours since I’ve landed back in Montreal, and the magic is still here!

In fact, it’s so amazing it doesn’t even matter that it’s freezing cold and snow everywhere…

As if the “Universe” is rewarding me for an authentic decision, everything feels as though it is falling in place. Here are some things which have happened since arriving:

First, I noticed some calls from a friend in Cyprus. I thought this was very strange and was concerned that everything is alright.

We ended up having a very long (almost 1.5 hours) phone call that went deep about relationships, my ex, his family, and more.

It made me realize some things about my last relationship which I think will help me to move on from the heart break. Even though I was the one who initially broke it off, I felt a lot of guilt & sadness and still missed her. Idealizing her has been a problem of mine, and I really just wanted us to come back together. The truth is that won’t unfortunately happen, until she makes some changes.

I realized something huge: that maybe getting “kicked out of Bulgaria,” the signature event which “started the downward spiral,” was actually maybe a blessing in disguise…

My life got crazy indeed, and I didn’t react to it the best, however now I realize that I was missing the blessings because I wasn’t in a positive frame of mind.

Boundaries were crossed during the craziness, and I began to not feel truly cared for. After the call with my friend, I now realized that everything that happened was GREAT because it made me grow a lot as a person, and also eventually leave the relationship, which was a bit more one-sided than I would’ve liked.

Had I stayed, I would’ve no doubt fallen deeper and deeper in love, and it would’ve been harder to leave. Who knows, maybe everything would’ve worked out perfectly, all I know is how it did turn out, and how we choose to view it is our own choice.

I now feel that perhaps soulmates DO exist, but not in the sense of you two being destined to be together forever. You still have to be mature enough. We each have to grow as people first, as we weren’t prepared for the craziness and I saw a side of her when I left Bulgaria which really hurt.

Anyways, I just thought it was odd that my friend from CYPRUS decided to call me NOW, without even realizing that I was traveling to Montreal. This was the first coincidence.

After our call, I went to Schwartz’s, the #1 world’s best smoked meat restaurant in the world! I am not kidding on this, they literally ship their meat world-wide because of how famous it is.

I sat down, and recognized two of the workers there instantly. They had served me almost 2 years ago when I was here, and also July of 2018 when I was here.

A cool guy was sitting next to me, and we started a nice conversation while enjoying our sandwiches. After eating, we parted ways.

After the amazing experience at Schwartz’s with meeting new people & seeing familiar faces, I went to a restaurant/bar to get some famous Canadian poutine.

Something about me: I don’t feel like I’m truly “in” a place until I’ve tasted the local food! Tasting that delicious smoked meat sandwich & poutine really helped set it in that “I am in Montreal!!!”

On the way to the restaurant/bar, I noticed a yoga place. Literally as I left Schwartz’s I was thinking that I wanted to find a good, affordable, English yoga studio to keep my yoga practice up at.

Boom, found it. They teach in English (not French), they’re in a great location, and have a variety of classes- and, they’re cheap AF (new sign-up)! I didn’t purchase the membership just yet in case I find another place closer to where I’ll be staying with my friend. If I don’t, this is now sorted out- woohoo!

Now in the bar-restaurant thing, I ate some delicious poutine. I looked around me and saw that there were mainly just beautiful girls, and not so many guys. Montreal has some gorgeous girls.

Some of the girls were laughing and cheering at the bar, so I figured it was some party or something.

The bartender then came over to me and tapped on a shot glass that was secretly placed in front of me! Shots, on the house, for everyone!

Together all of us at the bar took a shot, we all smiled, and I continued eating my delicious poutine. Oooh yeaaah.

This is Montreal, an epic city. I haven’t even met my friends yet and everything is going right!

Like always, this is going to be an awesome stay… (: