Believing in Myself Again

A couple months ago when I arrived back in Phoenix from Thailand, I had completely burnt out.

I had lost a lot of belief in myself, and was completely disconnected from “who I was.” I didn’t understand what I needed, and I got trapped in “future fantasies” (such as moving to Vegas and everything magically being perfect).

Thankfully, I didn’t move to Vegas or Portland. Instead I chilled out and allowed myself to ride the waves of laziness & sadness in Phoenix.

Had I actually went to either of those places, the cycle would’ve continued. I would’ve ran from my feelings, remained unhappy, and then perhaps switched to another place… then another, and then another!

Staying in Phoenix for the past couple months has really helped me “unwind” and figure some things out internally. You might be able to take some lessons and apply them to your own life.

Doses of Inspiration 

Slowly my inspiration & ideas-generating self has been resurfacing. It’s been really refreshing getting this sense of freedom and clarity.

Unfortunately it never lasts long. As I’m writing this now, I’ve been hit with a dose of inspiration, which is amazing.

Recently my “doses of inspiration” have been getting longer and longer. It’s not just inspiration I’m feeling, but also a clear mind, comfort from a routine, and connection with a new, deep friend I’ve made in Phoenix.

Yoga & working out has also been extremely helpful. At first I was very resistant to yoga for two reasons:

First, for whatever reason I unconsciously associated it as a feminine thing. Men reading this, I dare you to try a yoga class… running 3 miles is fucking easier, and I’m a long-distance runner so I literally mean that.

Second, a lot of uncomfortable emotions would arise & release during the yoga process. My first few sessions ended in several tears. I think we men are afraid to be emotional because we want to appear “macho” and “strong.” Unfortunately that leads to emotional repression.

Yoga is a deeply emotional experience, and it’s helped bring a lot of clarity, peace, and healing into my life. It’s been helping those doses of inspiration get just a bit longer.

Today I was listening to “Lost LeBlanc,” a YouTube traveler. I found the content suddenly very inspiring, much like how before I started my world travel & make-money-online journey.

It reminded me of who I am and what I want, and it made me think of a lot of things which I won’t be able to share all here.

I am reminded that I do want to travel, but now I’m scared. There are also other reasons.

Fear of Travel

When I would get these doses of inspiration to go scuba diving in the Philippines, go surfing in Bali, or live on a Thai island, they would be ate up by fears and insecurities.

Is it not funny how I’ve traveled for 1.5 years+, and just now I’m getting a fear of things “going wrong?”

Well, something did go very wrong and that was this: I was living in Sofia, Bulgaria for 7 months and then a visa got rejected. I had to unexpectedly leave with one week’s notice.

I was deeply in love with a Bulgarian girl, and we definitely matched very well. The whole “getting kicked out thing” was too much for us to handle, so it was only inevitable we fell apart over the next 4 months.

Also what led to the dissolution of the relationship was a string of crazy events which happened in my life. My mom almost passed away, I began having $ problems, and I was in way too many countries & cities.

I got super bogged down from the lack of routine, and a lot of the traveling I did then was done out of necessity, not actual desire. I never wanted to leave Bulgaria. The right decision would’ve been to travel to Thailand then, before travel burnout, but I chose Cyprus to stay close to my then-girlfriend in Europe.

With me flying to North America to see my mom, then back to Europe to be with my then-girlfriend, and some other craziness, I had been in so many places that it got to be too much. This no doubt negatively affected the relationship (sorry ex!).

I guess unconsciously I’ve been terrified of things going so horribly wrong again, which is why I’ve just been chilling in Phoenix, not doing too much (I can’t believe it’s been 2 months!).

Taking Responsibility

While things did “go wrong,” I also responded to them in a bad way. I didn’t try to make friends, party, grow the business, or take care of myself (when I really needed a massage or something!).

In the future I’d respond to an event like this in so much a better way, or if I fell in love in a country I’d work on a more proper visa and a long-term plan rather than extending a tourist visa and hoping for the best.

Taking responsibility starts with taking action today, and I’ve been slowly taking more and more action, starting with talking to more girls and doing sales in my business again.

Because I had stopped believing in myself for a little while, despite logically knowing I could easily get more clients, I took on a new client (an old friend) and this work relationship went sour very fast. They’re currently owning me almost $1k which they can’t pay due to their fucked up business problems. Some other crazy things (think decades in prison bad) have been going on in that company too.

Just today I sent in the cancellation of the contract letter, and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders!

I also have began making sales videos to try acquire new clients starting last Monday. I feel very scared and nervous, but I know it’s what to do.

Letting Go of the Past

You know that whole “getting kicked out of Bulgaria” thing I keep talking about? That was in June of 2018. Yes, 9 months ago.

It blows my mind how much time has passed, and it’s an absolute blur of everything that happened in between then.

In 9 months I’ve gotten kicked out of a country, been in 10+ countries, haven’t been in one city for longer than a month (even here in Phoenix I’ve had to make trips to Chicago), had a huge surgery, crashed a motorcycle, tried to make a relationship work, tried to move to another country (Germany), and broken up with a girl I was so certain was “the one.”

That’s a lot! Many days I’ve woken up still dreaming about that beautiful month in May.

My ex had gotten me an incredible gift, things were epic between us, I had a great life, I was very happy. I guess it was more emotional pain than I could handle, so I had to go hermit-mode for the past 2 months to process my emotions of all this past craziness (and do lots of repeat writing about it).

I’m learning to let this go and transform into new happy times. It’s still hard visualizing another girl, but I’m at least trying to let go and move on.

One huge thing I learned is the concept of limits:

Knowing Your Limits 

I went through all of this very logically, without regard for my emotions. This inevitably led to my burnout and falling apart in the relationship too.

I never really took the time to care for myself as if I was another person. That’s kind of what taking care of yourself really is, is your “conscious self” taking care of your “emotional self.”

You can’t control your emotions as they respond to events that happen to you, but you can consciously choose to react to them in a certain way.

That doesn’t mean you carry on as if nothing has happened. I’ve found some of the most therapeutic things to be some of the least recommended things- for example, running hard & long while crying to sad music. For some reason the sad music + combination of working out makes it easier for me to process my emotions.

If I can do that for 20-30 minutes in the morning, then usually the rest of the day is pretty awesome because I’m emotionally recharged.

The most important thing I’ve learned here is I have limits, and you do too!

Being in so many countries, going through a tough surgery alone, a break up, and all of these things is psychological torture and nothing else. There’s only so much you can endure before you need to start fixing something.

I now know of some of my “limits” and how to take better emotional care of myself in the future. Now I just need a bit more confidence before I can start traveling & living life to the fullest again!

Living Authentically

A lot of what I have had to do in the past year has felt like necessity, but not something I’ve genuinely wanted to do (such as leaving Bulgaria). Obviously I wouldn’t dare ignore the laws of a nation in favor of authenticity, but while playing by the rules you still have to take care of yourself!

What I’m trying to do now is make myself actually happy, rather than getting trapped in internet addiction (such as browsing Reddit & YouTube mindlessly).

At the same time, I’m giving myself permission to browse and derp around- I don’t have to be perfectly productive 100% of the time.

And that being said, I will say I do need to cut down on some things such as Reddit. I need to do things which genuinely fulfill me, but I still feel a bit like a hermit that just wants to hide from the world and do nothing… Don’t worry, I’m coming out of my shell.

I feel very scared to do certain things, namely go visit some new countries, or go to Asia, or get a visa to live in Bulgaria (and residency). I’m taking slow steps towards it.

Through all of this, I wasn’t living the “right way.” I had “lost my edge” as a result of what I endured. I didn’t take care of myself. Now I’m reclaiming “that edge” which got me to where I was, and it feels great!

I can’t wait to soon start traveling the right way- visiting places I want to visit, doing things I want to do, growing the business, living free, etc. I’ve been much too rigid & stressed recently.

And again, a lot of that is anxiety from everything falling apart before. Part of it was government BS and other unfortunate life events, but a lot of it was me responding with my own anxiety.

What I’m Doing Now

Right now I’m working on a few things:

First, I’m trying to get another client or two to make more money. I don’t need a lot more, just a bit more to make things financially better.

Second, I’m trying to be more social & put myself out there. This has been successful and I’ve made some new connections. I’ve made one new, very deep friend and we’ve been hanging out often and having a great time. This has been super refreshing.

Third, I’ve been practicing yoga & working out hard. This helps me emotionally process, and re-energize.

Fourth, I’ve been sleeping on a schedule!!! This is so huge for me!! I actually have been able to wake up some mornings instead of being jet lagged fucked 24/7!

Fifth, and most importantly, I’m working on trying to get a visa & residency in Bulgaria. I intend to make Bulgaria my “home base,” and then travel around from there. For example, I could travel to Asia, other European countries, etc. but Sofia will always be the place I return to when I need a “home.”

I guess USA (Phoenix) could kind of be that too, but the lifestyle I have in Bulgaria is a lot better than the one I currently have in USA.

Believing in Myself

Though I am scared, and that is a hard truth to admit, I am starting to believe in myself again.

I’m starting to believe that it’s okay to go to Indonesia or Thailand, and that if I want to stay, I will find a way. If things go wrong I’ll be strong enough to handle it but now I know how to take care of my emotions, making myself even stronger.

For the past few months I’ve tried rationalizing living in USA to avoid visa & immigration problems, but the truth is I do have a thirst for adventure, and want to surf & scuba dive and adventure and all of that. It’s just that deep down I’m afraid of visa problems and $ problems.

With everything I do I’m believing in myself. It feels scary but it feels… relieving? It feels empowering. I’m starting to get “doses of inspiration” which last longer and longer, and I realize that I do have this entire world and can achieve anything I want to- it just takes a bit more effort than I thought before, and I have to make sure I take better care of myself rather than act like this is a video game and I’m invincible.

That’s all I wanted to share with you all today.

I’ve been through a lot of craziness but now I’m starting to reclaim everything. I underestimated the power of emotions & tough events. Now I’m having my good ole’ self creeping through, but this time I’m a bit more mature & wise of the world.

Who knows what will happen next, but I’m getting itchy to do some exciting things soon..