Break ups are arguably one of the most traumatic things someone can experience in their life.
If you’re being rejected, it’s kind of like the other person is saying “your genes don’t deserve to reproduce” (on an ultra-logical level).
If you have to do the rejecting, it also hurts a lot because you can have conflicting feelings; you can both love the person, and wish to be treated better.
As I’m still struggling 5 months later to get over a break up, I just wanted to write down some thoughts about break ups you might relate to.
Breaking Up With Someone… Harder or Easier?
There’s this notion that “breaking up with someone” is easier than being broken up with, but I’d actually argue that it’s the other way around.
If someone breaks up with me, I can easily say “well they didn’t want me, time to improve myself,” etc. and move on. Granted it still hurts a shit ton, but for whatever reason I feel it’s a lot easier.
Same if someone cheats with you. You can just go “oh that person is a [insert favorite profanity here]” and move on.
Now I know this is a vast over-simplification. In the cheating example, the person cheated on may have been a bad partner which led the other person into the temptation of being cheated.
However, the person who was cheated on can much more easily justify moving on with “XYZ is a bad person” rather than entering a loop of thinking back into the relationship (though that still happens).
Finally, getting broken up with allows you the justification of saying “well they broke up with me once, so I can never know if they’ll break up with me again, so I can’t trust myself back in this relationship ever again.”
Again, all vast over-simplifications, but you get the general picture. I’d argue, based on my experience, that getting broken up with is MUCH easier. I also feel that for someone interested in self-development it’s a lot better because you can just improve yourself, and have a little selfish goal of making your ex jealous.
Now, breaking up with someone…. THAT is fucking tough.
I broke up with my last ex, and man was it one of the hardest things I ever did. For months I’ve replayed the whole thing in my mind, wondering if I should’ve stayed, wondering if she would’ve done XYZ, or I would’ve done ABC.
When you break up with someone, you have to deal with conflicting feelings of “was this the right decision?”
In some cases, such as being cheated on, it’s a clear-cut decision and easier to move on.
In my case, where there is so much “grey area,” it’s been a lot more difficult.
For example, I loved her a ton… you could argue I still have some deep feelings that might not ever go away for her. Those feelings are constantly guiding me towards her. There are good memories and bad memories.
When I say “oh but XYZ boundary was crossed,” another thought in my mind goes “well maybe you should’ve made the boundary more clear?” Or I wonder if perhaps I should’ve expressed more of my pain, or that I was considering breaking up with her, so that she had more time to clean up her act.
I also have self-attacked at all of the mistakes that I’ve made, wondering if I got hurt from the relationship because of MY contribution, and whether she made her mistakes from my mistakes.
As you can see, it’s kind of a loop. You have mixed feelings when you’re the one walking away. You can both love the person and wish for something better.
In my case, I just wanted her to listen and understand my feelings. There were many positive sites to her which I was super grateful for. When you break up with someone, you’re consciously giving up those things, and the brain sees them as separate.
Love is also naturally forgiving, so being the one to walk away is all that more challenging because you are the one causing the pain… you feel guilty, and sometimes you even forgive them.
Again in my case, I forgive her for her mistakes. When I tell my friends some things which was done that hurt me, they state that I should’ve broken up “there and then.” Then again, I made some bad mistakes, and I also had deep feelings for her (and still letting go).
They remind me I’m going to be better off, but it doesn’t exactly feel that way sometimes. Some days, like today, are just a bloody mess.
Anyways, what exactly IS better off? In my mind, the best solution is to just ‘fix things and move on.’
In my mind, the ideal situation is coming back together and both parties making right on their wrongs, both parties forgiving, and both parties moving forward and creating a stronger, healthier relationship.
I guess I’m a bit too idealistic, as I tried this (kind of). I let her talk for hours of all my mistakes on a video call, and I took it all honestly and without blame-shifting. In hindsight, this was probably me just taking a knife and gutting myself, and set me back months in recovery from the break up.
She unfortunately wasn’t willing to listen that maybe she made some bad mistakes too, and that maybe some of my mistakes were caused by her.
Now, when I say “caused by her,” I don’t necessarily mean like I was like “oh you did this, now I’m going to do that.” I just mean that there’s a chain of events which leads to a break up.
In our case, it all kind of started with me having to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly in June of 2018- we weren’t really mature enough to handle the problem, and so one thing toppled onto another until eventually we broke up.
Perhaps we cried so hard as I left for the flight not because we were going to be long distance, but because it was the beginning of the end, and subconsciously we both knew it.
Alas, I can’t be so idealistic. Still in my mind I see what could be, and I see the best in others as I see the best in myself.
Reminding myself of the negatives of her doesn’t help, and it doesn’t do her justice for she did do some truly amazing things- but I also must remember the ways in which I was hurt.
See how it’s a bit of a “fine line” type situation? Don’t idealize too much, don’t be negative, agh it’s so hard getting over a break up!
I suppose I’m always trying to be my ideal self, and in doing so I see the ideal in others. I see the best in her, even while away, and I wish the best for her, and hope she improves, and that we all improve in life. That doesn’t mean that even though one day I’ll be my ideal self that she will- though I hope she does because who she can be is incredible. Who we all can be is incredible.
I guess this is part I of break up thoughts, what are your thoughts?