Category Archives: Life Stories

Break Ups III

Wow, thank you everyone for your great responses on Break Ups I and Break Ups II! I’ve enjoyed writing about this topic, and many of you can relate, so we will keep the train going into Break Ups III. Here we go…

Growth Isn’t Felt

One common theme of the responses of others suffering break ups, and from my experience, is that you lose the ability to feel growth or improvement for a little while. This is, in my opinion, one of the worst things about the break up.

For example, the past month and two have been the best months in business EVER! I should feel excited about how much income I brought in. I also got flown out by a client and had some epic fun. I now also have the most amount of cash on hand I’ve ever had before, too.

I’ve also received examples from readers like you, who have described making new friends, learning new skills, making more money, traveling to new places, and learning about yourself yet not feeling like you actually gained anything.

This is what fucking sucks about break ups- you can make SO MUCH progress in life, yet not feel like you’ve gone anywhere! Until you heal, you will struggle to realize just how awesome you are as a human being.

Everywhere You Go, There You Are

This is a (famous?) quote which is intended for those thinking “I’ll be happy then.” I went through a phase of this in June of 2018 when I had to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly. Always I was waiting for a future moment to become happy, which never came.

The same happened after the break up- I naively assumed that I was ready for an adventure in Asia (Thailand), but everywhere you go, there you are. The pain followed. My bad habits learned followed.

I’m in Montreal writing this right now, and I can see how it’s followed me here too. A couple of nights ago I couldn’t help the fantasizing of me & my ex coming back together.

Dreams with her don’t stop also! Every few days I have a new dream with her, where we are having fun, talking, meeting again, etc. Sometimes they’re very lucid and realistic, and other times they make no sense at all.

Now I’m feeling more and more ready to re-try traveling to Asia, however I will do so with the wisdom that the pain which I experience now will be the pain I experience there, too.

While some circumstances, places, situations, etc. can improve or reduce your happiness, ultimately the catalyst for improvement and change has to be YOU.

The Fantasy Is Not Reality

I am in the “idealist” personality group, categorized by NF (ie. ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ) and so seeing the best in people comes naturally to me.

My mental image of my ex is likely much different than who she really is. I try to stay as grounded as possible, but it’s not always possible.

All I would want from her is to listen & understand me, but I had tried that, a few times, and it never worked out.

Letting go of the fantasy of it working out is the hardest thing. In fact, I think the pain over a break up is more-so the pain of “what could’ve been” rather than what WAS.

For example I sometimes feel sad when leaving friends from a city, but it passes fast. I miss them occasionally, but it doesn’t eat away at me, like it has with my ex. With my ex I’ve suffered for almost 6 months and in some weeks hardly functioned as an adult (who am I kidding, I stayed inside and played video games all day I didn’t “adult” at all).

Generally with friends you’re just enjoying the present moment together. You don’t have a huge plan together. You may think that you and your ex didn’t have a huge plan together, but biology did indeed- kids, spreading genes, etc. is the #1 imperative of being alive; it’s only natural it hurts.

The hardest part of a break up is accepting that IT IS OVER, and there is NO GOING BACK.

You can try focus on some of your ex’s faults, but that can just make you negative and bitter.

Break ups are a weird paradox of enjoying the good memories, but not indulging in them, not getting stuck in the past, and also moving forward, and also acknowledging the bad times, agh it goes on and on…

Love Again?

The whole “will I ever love again” or “meet someone like her again” thoughts/feelings are the worst of it all, also.

Logically I could sit down, write down my ex’s personality type & attributes, and calculate the exact number of girls in the world that are like her (in the sense of compatibility, not exactly like her) but that doesn’t help the feelings so much.

Anyone who has truly loved knows that losing that person makes you feel like you could never truly love again! It sucks!

We all know logically we’ll come out of this, one day, but in the meantime, you just have to keep pushing forward one step at a time…

Also, I am not certain at which point you begin dating again. Some sources recommend hooking up with others. Others recommend waiting some time, and then dating when you’re perfectly healthy. Others say just go with the flow.

The fact that there’s no clear cut guide on how to overcome a break up is annoying. We have landed men on the moon and no one can tell me how to feel a bit better!

Obviously you have to “ride the wave,” but surely there must be some better advice than just being miserable all the time??

As I write this out, I’ve wrote this down: “Business idea, how to get past a break up digital course.” I might actually investigate this because almost EVERYONE gets into a break up and then struggles finding the light again.

Sad Forever People

I remember I met a man in my favorite Bulgarian bar and I was talking about my “soulmate,” my ex. I was so excited. He put the idea down, and was trying to bring me down a bit, “in case it didn’t work out.”

It probably came from good intentions, but these people aren’t good because the relationship very well could work out so you shouldn’t shoot down anything until it’s actually over!

There are people who’s lives quite literally get ruined by a break up, and that’s the especially scary thing about the break up. I’d like to hear things from people like “one day you won’t miss her, you’ll get over it, etc.” but some people talk about being heartbroken for years or always having a little feeling dragging around…

That fucking scares me! I don’t want to be like this forever! If I’m going to be sad forever, then what? Do I go back to her, fix the relationship for her at the cost of me, and continue like that, or do I continue with the pain?

I think people that remain sad forever or sad for too long about their ex aren’t actually putting in the effort to recover in their lives, and they should be avoided. It’s a bit of a cruel advice but I want someone to tell me it’ll be better, not that I’ll be sad “forever and ever.”

I guess this is where the conscious effort of a recovery comes in- you’ve gotta make new friends, work out hard, travel, make money, and date new people while also still allowing yourself to cry and ride that wave.

I don’t want to be sad forever; it’s scary just how much one person- my ex- can have this much power over my emotional state. I feel that all I wanted (to be heard & cared for in the way I gave to her) was not much to ask, yet it didn’t work out. It’s confusing, painful, etc. but I refuse to be sad forever… so should you, if you’re struggling.

New Goals, New Friends, New Clothes

One of my ideas for recoveries has been to make new friends, get new clothes, and just refresh my life completely.

I’ve basically been wearing the same clothes for the past 3-5 years with the exception of a few shirts & pants. All clothes have remained in good quality, so I’ve never felt the need to replace them.

I wonder though, would getting new clothes help? I’ve had this intuition before, but didn’t end up following it.

Making new friends & connecting with people seems to be VERY helpful. Moments alone are very difficult.

I also feel excited for Thailand, but you have to be RUTHLESS in attacking your goals if you are to try recover through goal-setting. You have to dedicate all day long to focusing on it, and then hopefully one day you’ll wake up and be okay…

All I can say for me that’s helped is socializing, A LOT, and video games.

Falling In Love… With You?

One hard thing I’ve learned to do is “fall in love with myself.” I guess this is what some people say you need to do to get over a break up…

I wouldn’t say love in the romantic sense, or selfish sense, but rather in the self-care context, or in doing what makes you genuinely fulfilled.

Me going to Montreal was an example of me trying to take care of myself. Yoga would be an even better example.

Once you are recovering, you need to take massages, spa retreats, do yoga, work out hard, socialize, etc. but also learn to be independent again. When you’re with someone, a part of you fuses with them, so when you lose them you lose a part of yourself.

Even here in Montreal, 6 months later, I’ve caught myself walking through the metro imagining what I would say to my ex, or the things that I would show her. I just got so used to having her around that doing these things alone still feels so… foreign.

My guess is that if she were to be here now and was willing to amend & improve with me, then we could fit right back into each other, STILL. Or is that really the case? I’m not sure. Anyways, another hard part of break ups is learning to be yourself again.

Being alone is kind of difficult! On one hand you need to hangout with other humans, but on the other you can’t become dependent on anyone else… you need to stay as your own person, and become independent again… that’s hard.

Part III

This was break ups III. I have ideas for break ups IV that I’ll likely write even now, and who knows if we’ll make it to V. I’m surprised by the response on the break ups series and really glad that people are connecting with it. I have a lot to write, so I’ll publish the writings if you enjoy!

Thanks,

-Michael

Break Ups II

I’m recovering from a tough break up, and so have been writing random break up thoughts & random advice that comes to mind. Here is part one.

It also received a good response (thank you to all who responded), so I’ll definitely write a few more posts about thoughts on break ups.

Here are some more misc. thoughts on break ups!

Understanding The End

One thing that really sucks about break ups is you can’t really understand the “end” of the relationship, except in some situations.

When you really truly love someone, and you’ve spent a lot of time with them, and things were great at some point, it kind of fucks with your mind to compare those good times with the present heart break feelings… and loneliness of that person being gone.

I’ve tried to reflect back on my previous relationship, and let me tell you: it’s near impossible to figure out what exactly ended the relationship.

What doesn’t help is that almost no break up is a “clean” break up. There is a saying “it was over before it was over,” meaning that at some point the break up was inevitable but not yet initiated.

Also, you’re technically “supposed” to go no-contact after the break up to help recover, but that can be difficult when you really loved the person and struggle to make sense of why you must part ways.

In me & my ex’s case, our falling apart happened over some weeks, but was triggered over the course of months, and we were in occasional contact after the break up several times. We also even talked of maybe trying to fix things… sometimes she was contacting me, sometimes I was talking her, but we both struggled to find a middle ground.

This drags out the pain so much longer than what is normally experienced in a break up, and thus lengthens the recovery time. For me it’s been 5-6 months since the “official” break up yet I still hurt, and today even let go of some tears.

Ultimately, you can’t really understand the end, and thinking back to everything is a fucking rabbit hole.

I could think of my mistakes, but why did I make my mistakes? Perhaps because she did XYZ. Well why did she do XYZ? It’s because ABC happened.

It goes all the way back, and it’s a really fucking frustrating thing because in many cases of break ups there is no clear “right or wrong.” I can’t live in the past, yet it’s all too easy to, and it’s also all too easy to fantasize me ending up in her city by accident (random business event?) and then us bumping together on the street and….

The end can’t be fully understood, in most cases, because of just how complicated it is. I’ve also tried blaming her for her mistakes, or taking 100% of the blame myself. I went through a self-attack phase where I thought everything was my fault. I also tried to blame her and focus on her faults, which didn’t help either.

For whatever reason, it happened, and you can’t be ideal about the future unfortunately. For an idealist personality like me (ENFP, NF’s being the idealists, literally) this is immensely difficult because I’d love to imagine a situation where we didn’t fall apart, or that we do come back together.

With time, more clarity comes, and more peace, but breaking up with someone is truly like understanding death: you can’t.

I suppose in some cases, such as a partner cheating, hitting you, or breaking a clear boundary, you could say a break up “is clear,” but to the person experiencing the break up it still isn’t.

Some of my friends tell me I’ll be way better off, just like I’m sure some of her friends think she’ll be way better off.

Love itself blinds us to facts about relationships which perhaps we didn’t want to see, or it makes us self-attack. In the case of an abusive relationship, the abused will often still love their abuser and justify the abuse.

So even if a break up is clear to YOU, the OUTSIDER, just wait until you experience a break up (though I’d wish you wouldn’t), and you too will be left confused and lost.

If you don’t experience this, I would be most shocked, because almost everyone I’ve met and talked about my break up has a similar story.

What Makes Break Ups Happen?

It was all sunshine and joy at some point: so why did you break up?

In some cases, it could no doubt be the “honeymoon” period blocking out all of the incompatibilities between you two. In these cases, the relationship usually dies out fairly fast, in a few months.

What makes real relationships fall apart though? I know now certainly that I had true love for my ex, just because of HOW LONG it’s taking for these feelings to go away, and how maybe if she were to get hurt I’d still rush to her help in any way possible, no-strings-attached. Love is weird like that.

I think there’s two reasons: circumstances and personality, and they both feed into each other.

In the case of personality, maybe someone is bad at listening, and the other person doesn’t feel well-listened to. Maybe one (or both) parties struggle with fight resolution.

Natural chemistry can become tainted if both people aren’t willing to put in effort to improve and detoxify any resentment or negative feelings that build up as the natural result of being in a relationship with someone.

This is where communication comes in too: you have to be able to communicate your authentic self and understand each other. If someone has a need, they have to be able to communicate it and feel it is being heard.

In the case with my ex, I didn’t always feel safe to express negative feelings towards her (ie. being upset at her), and she struggled to listen to me and understand me when I was upset.

There is no doubt a reversal to this too- I struggled with that more-so in the beginning, but improved, and I think she could no doubt find faults in me that I am either blind to or fail to acknowledge in my writings.

The other thing which makes relationships fall apart is probably circumstances. I saw a lot of this in my past relationship, and I think it’s really what made us fall apart more than anything else.

In June of 2018 I had to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly, and we probably both weren’t at a point in our lives where we were mature enough or wise enough to handle a temporary long-distance relationship.

I became depressed, stopped taking care of myself, etc. and she had things happen also. We hurt each other. I traveled to Cyprus instead of Thailand, even though my heart wanted Thailand, so as we planned on moving to Germany together I had this gnawing feeling of wanting to explore Asia.

Now that I’ve been to Thailand (and even though I want to go back), I realize now that had I just traveled there FIRST when I had to leave Bulgaria, then things could’ve turned out A LOT differently because I wouldn’t have a mental fantasy to project happiness onto.

During a lot of the relationship & life struggles, Thailand / Asia became a mental fantasy of happiness because I had really wanted to go, but didn’t.

And I mean, just think about it: a 20 year old has to leave a whole country with 1 week’s notice, and his 19 year old girlfriend is devastated. That is no age to be handling such problems, so even though I was very much hurt by mistakes she made, I can also empathize with her.

During our first month apart, several of my boundaries were crossed, but can I really blame her? I could say it was a fault in her personality, which at first I did, but we must also acknowledge that the situation was so fucking intense and rare to relationships in general that she doesn’t deserve to be burdened with blame.

Because I didn’t feel listened to and understood later, I struggled with forgiving her over those things.

Our falling apart likely began when I had to leave Bulgaria. This is what makes it all-that-more painful, is knowing that maybe we could’ve worked if we just had a few more months together.

I think every relationship is a bit crazy for the first 6ish months, but after that point you begin to “stabilize” and find your new identity within the relationship.

I noticed that with me & my ex. Our first 5 months were all over the place, but in the last month we began to “balance out.” Rather than spending all the time together, we also had friend time. We were finding our places and enjoying a sort of homeostasis.

Leaving Bulgaria interrupted the “solidifying of homeostasis,” so it’s no doubt that the chaos burnt us both out and we struggled to come back together.

Now the wounds are so deep that I question if there would be any hope for us to recover, if we were to find each other in the same city, though the idealist in me would like to believe that anything is possible.

Ultimately, this is why I think relationships fall apart: circumstances or personality.

What Makes a Relationship Work?

Trust, respect, and communication, love, and luck are I believe the 5 elements that make a relationship work. Let’s break down each one.

Trust. You absolutely MUST trust each other. If you can’t trust each other, then there is no relationship. Period. Me & my ex had a ton of trust in each other, however near the end of the relationship I think we both lost a little trust in each other because of the way we were handling our problems, which was not effective.

Respect. All relationships require sacrifice, and what makes you sacrifice things? Respect. Think about it: would you take a bullet for a random homeless person, or would you take a bullet for your partner, or best friend?

Even though you feel compassion for the homeless man, you are more likely to take a bullet for your friend because you respect your friend whereas homeless people demand no respect.

If you respect your partner enough, you’re willing to make compromises to make the relationship work no matter what. For example, you may want to sleep with other people, but you respect the relationship more than that desire so you stay.

Also, sometimes issues come up that you simply can’t resolve. Have you ever dated someone and loved some of the cute, silly things they did, that were also slightly annoying? Respect & love fused together makes you enjoy the things which would normally annoy you about someone.

Me and my ex no doubt started to lose respect for each other as the problems tore us apart. I think she thought I was greater than I was, so when I turned out to be depressed & poor in Cyprus, she didn’t really respect me and my boundaries. I lost respect with her when I became hurt, and didn’t take as good care of her when we were back together, which further hurt her and created a downward spiral.

Communication. With first trust & respect, you need to be able to communicate with each other your own needs as well as listen to the needs of the other. You must be completely authentic, even if it offends the other person.

Everyone knows that communication is important so I won’t elaborate so much. All that I’ll say is that listening is so much more important than people realize. People need to feel heard. Give someone that feeling and they’ll stick around for life.

Love. Love doesn’t make a relationship work- it brings people together, and keeps propelling them together, but should any other ingredient lack then the love will be built on a house of cards; it will fall apart too easily.

Think of love as the glue that cements the other qualities together. Me and my ex loved each other more than anything (well, at least I loved her, only she can say now whether she truly loved me or if it was infatuation). Tons of people literally told us to get married because they saw how happy we were together, and how much effort we were putting in. Unfortunately, love doesn’t make a relationship work, though it does make it awesome, and without love there is no romantic relationship.

Luck. I knew when I wrote the first 4 that I was missing something, and the 5th is no doubt luck.

Circumstances make or break relationships. In our modern world, so many crazy things can happen which just isn’t fair to romantic love! Back in the hunter-gatherer tribes we were from, you were around someone all the time so you don’t have to deal with bullshit such as immigration problems.

In the case of me & my ex, we had absolutely terrible luck. I mean, we had some good to begin- my home was 55 seconds from her school, so we could see each other often.

But in the end we had more bad luck than good, like a cruel joke from the Universe. Like I keep saying, having to leave Bulgaria was the sudden event which began the end of the relationship, even if we didn’t realize it then.

Without that bad luck, our trust, communication, respect, and love would’ve kept growing so that maybe we could’ve handled the situation better in the future!

We should also add “circumstances” with luck. I chose to go to Cyprus instead of Thailand, which created poor circumstances in which I lost more money and I became unhappier, which obviously wouldn’t help the relationship at all!

When I reflect back on my past relationship, the hardest part about getting over it is that I realize that LUCK is what we lacked, whereas we initially HAD everything else!

We only fell apart because our luck & circumstances were so bad that we couldn’t handle the problems. You could argue that it just meant we weren’t mature enough for an adult relationship, but ask yourself if you know of any couple that had problems with immigration & travel & money like we did?

All other problems in the relationship would’ve been manageable, and we could’ve overcame them. There is a limit to what the human can experience!

I used to think I was so invincible, that I could handle anything, but I’ve learned in the past year that even I have limits and shortcomings. You can only grow so fast. You can only handle so many problems. Pile enough shit on someone and things start to snap.

Of course, you can always choose how you react to the problem, but sometimes you just aren’t prepared. We absolutely can’t be perfectionists, for that would block us off from forgiveness.

Without acknowledging the element of luck in the past relationship, I could very well become bitter at her mistakes, which I did at first. It also made me self-attack for my mistakes & short-comings. Now I realize that acknowledging the shitty aspect of life which is that luck IS involved helps you forgive and move on.

Again, not every situation. Some people have perfect luck, such as both wanting to live in the same city for the rest of their lives and not having immigration problems or legal problems or money problems, but due to respect or personality or trust issues they fall apart.

The Hardest Break Up vs. The Easiest

We broke up because we lost respect, trust, etc. but we only lost that because we failed to handle an extremely intense situation that I doubt most people could overcome.

Relationships that fall apart due to bad luck I think are the hardest to overcome. Also, sometimes the timing is just shit.

I’ve had other break ups due to respect & trust issues, such as a girl who cheated on me. Getting over that break up with a walk in the park for obvious reasons- she destroyed trust, she had no respect, and she didn’t even communicate her mistake.

The hardest break ups, in my opinions, are the ones in which you SLOWLY lose one of the 5 elements of a successful relationship, OR you have bad luck.

The easiest break ups are when early on or suddenly someone breaks more than 1 of the elements of a successful relationship.

Imagine if you didn’t have all 5: you couldn’t trust, respect, communicate, or love someone, and you couldn’t even be in the same city. Would you be with them? It’s an obvious no. In this way, by thinking of the opposite, we can indeed realize that these 5 elements are the crucial 5 elements that make a relationship work (or not).

Improving Future Relationships

As much as it still hurts to think of myself with someone else still, understanding these 5 elements of a successful relationship makes me feel just a bit better because I know how to improve future relationships and prevent problems before they get too bad.

For example, I’ll probably wait to seriously date until I immigrate fully back to Sofia, Bulgaria because otherwise in my life I will lack a severe element of “luck.” For example, if I fall in love stopping through Bali, the relationship will be born with difficult circumstances – either me immigrating to Bali or vice versa, or if she’s a foreign girl (ie. German girl) then it’ll create several problems too.

That doesn’t mean I won’t date at all, just that I’ll keep in mind that my element of luck is shit until I’m settled in one city!

I also realize now just how important then other 3 elements of a relationship are- trust, respect, and communication.

Me and my ex had such passionate love we thought that would carry us through thick and thin. While it did help a lot, love doesn’t make the relationship work – it simply glues together other things. If you have problems, then it glues together the problems, but if you have respect, trust, and communication, then those will be glued together and you’ll be pair bonded for life!

Part II

So this was Part II of Break Ups. If you have any other thoughts, feel free to leave them! I think I’ll write a part III or even IV, especially if this gets a positive response.

Thanks for reading (:

-Michael

Break Ups I

Break ups are arguably one of the most traumatic things someone can experience in their life.

If you’re being rejected, it’s kind of like the other person is saying “your genes don’t deserve to reproduce” (on an ultra-logical level).

If you have to do the rejecting, it also hurts a lot because you can have conflicting feelings; you can both love the person, and wish to be treated better.

As I’m still struggling 5 months later to get over a break up, I just wanted to write down some thoughts about break ups you might relate to.

Breaking Up With Someone… Harder or Easier?

There’s this notion that “breaking up with someone” is easier than being broken up with, but I’d actually argue that it’s the other way around.

If someone breaks up with me, I can easily say “well they didn’t want me, time to improve myself,” etc. and move on. Granted it still hurts a shit ton, but for whatever reason I feel it’s a lot easier.

Same if someone cheats with you. You can just go “oh that person is a [insert favorite profanity here]” and move on.

Now I know this is a vast over-simplification. In the cheating example, the person cheated on may have been a bad partner which led the other person into the temptation of being cheated.

However, the person who was cheated on can much more easily justify moving on with “XYZ is a bad person” rather than entering a loop of thinking back into the relationship (though that still happens).

Finally, getting broken up with allows you the justification of saying “well they broke up with me once, so I can never know if they’ll break up with me again, so I can’t trust myself back in this relationship ever again.”

Again, all vast over-simplifications, but you get the general picture. I’d argue, based on my experience, that getting broken up with is MUCH easier. I also feel that for someone interested in self-development it’s a lot better because you can just improve yourself, and have a little selfish goal of making your ex jealous.

Now, breaking up with someone…. THAT is fucking tough.

I broke up with my last ex, and man was it one of the hardest things I ever did. For months I’ve replayed the whole thing in my mind, wondering if I should’ve stayed, wondering if she would’ve done XYZ, or I would’ve done ABC.

When you break up with someone, you have to deal with conflicting feelings of “was this the right decision?”

In some cases, such as being cheated on, it’s a clear-cut decision and easier to move on.

In my case, where there is so much “grey area,” it’s been a lot more difficult.

For example, I loved her a ton… you could argue I still have some deep feelings that might not ever go away for her. Those feelings are constantly guiding me towards her. There are good memories and bad memories.

When I say “oh but XYZ boundary was crossed,” another thought in my mind goes “well maybe you should’ve made the boundary more clear?” Or I wonder if perhaps I should’ve expressed more of my pain, or that I was considering breaking up with her, so that she had more time to clean up her act.

I also have self-attacked at all of the mistakes that I’ve made, wondering if I got hurt from the relationship because of MY contribution, and whether she made her mistakes from my mistakes.

As you can see, it’s kind of a loop. You have mixed feelings when you’re the one walking away. You can both love the person and wish for something better.

In my case, I just wanted her to listen and understand my feelings. There were many positive sites to her which I was super grateful for. When you break up with someone, you’re consciously giving up those things, and the brain sees them as separate.

Love is also naturally forgiving, so being the one to walk away is all that more challenging because you are the one causing the pain… you feel guilty, and sometimes you even forgive them.

Again in my case, I forgive her for her mistakes. When I tell my friends some things which was done that hurt me, they state that I should’ve broken up “there and then.” Then again, I made some bad mistakes, and I also had deep feelings for her (and still letting go).

They remind me I’m going to be better off, but it doesn’t exactly feel that way sometimes. Some days, like today, are just a bloody mess.

Idealism

Anyways, what exactly IS better off? In my mind, the best solution is to just ‘fix things and move on.’

In my mind, the ideal situation is coming back together and both parties making right on their wrongs, both parties forgiving, and both parties moving forward and creating a stronger, healthier relationship.

I guess I’m a bit too idealistic, as I tried this (kind of). I let her talk for hours of all my mistakes on a video call, and I took it all honestly and without blame-shifting. In hindsight, this was probably me just taking a knife and gutting myself, and set me back months in recovery from the break up.

She unfortunately wasn’t willing to listen that maybe she made some bad mistakes too, and that maybe some of my mistakes were caused by her.

Now, when I say “caused by her,” I don’t necessarily mean like I was like “oh you did this, now I’m going to do that.” I just mean that there’s a chain of events which leads to a break up.

In our case, it all kind of started with me having to leave Bulgaria unexpectedly in June of 2018- we weren’t really mature enough to handle the problem, and so one thing toppled onto another until eventually we broke up.

Perhaps we cried so hard as I left for the flight not because we were going to be long distance, but because it was the beginning of the end, and subconsciously we both knew it.

Alas, I can’t be so idealistic. Still in my mind I see what could be, and I see the best in others as I see the best in myself.

Reminding myself of the negatives of her doesn’t help, and it doesn’t do her justice for she did do some truly amazing things- but I also must remember the ways in which I was hurt.

See how it’s a bit of a “fine line” type situation? Don’t idealize too much, don’t be negative, agh it’s so hard getting over a break up!

I suppose I’m always trying to be my ideal self, and in doing so I see the ideal in others. I see the best in her, even while away, and I wish the best for her, and hope she improves, and that we all improve in life. That doesn’t mean that even though one day I’ll be my ideal self that she will- though I hope she does because who she can be is incredible. Who we all can be is incredible.

I guess this is part I of break up thoughts, what are your thoughts?

-Michael

Montreal is Amazing!

It’s been a few hours since I’ve landed back in Montreal, and the magic is still here!

In fact, it’s so amazing it doesn’t even matter that it’s freezing cold and snow everywhere…

As if the “Universe” is rewarding me for an authentic decision, everything feels as though it is falling in place. Here are some things which have happened since arriving:

First, I noticed some calls from a friend in Cyprus. I thought this was very strange and was concerned that everything is alright.

We ended up having a very long (almost 1.5 hours) phone call that went deep about relationships, my ex, his family, and more.

It made me realize some things about my last relationship which I think will help me to move on from the heart break. Even though I was the one who initially broke it off, I felt a lot of guilt & sadness and still missed her. Idealizing her has been a problem of mine, and I really just wanted us to come back together. The truth is that won’t unfortunately happen, until she makes some changes.

I realized something huge: that maybe getting “kicked out of Bulgaria,” the signature event which “started the downward spiral,” was actually maybe a blessing in disguise…

My life got crazy indeed, and I didn’t react to it the best, however now I realize that I was missing the blessings because I wasn’t in a positive frame of mind.

Boundaries were crossed during the craziness, and I began to not feel truly cared for. After the call with my friend, I now realized that everything that happened was GREAT because it made me grow a lot as a person, and also eventually leave the relationship, which was a bit more one-sided than I would’ve liked.

Had I stayed, I would’ve no doubt fallen deeper and deeper in love, and it would’ve been harder to leave. Who knows, maybe everything would’ve worked out perfectly, all I know is how it did turn out, and how we choose to view it is our own choice.

I now feel that perhaps soulmates DO exist, but not in the sense of you two being destined to be together forever. You still have to be mature enough. We each have to grow as people first, as we weren’t prepared for the craziness and I saw a side of her when I left Bulgaria which really hurt.

Anyways, I just thought it was odd that my friend from CYPRUS decided to call me NOW, without even realizing that I was traveling to Montreal. This was the first coincidence.

After our call, I went to Schwartz’s, the #1 world’s best smoked meat restaurant in the world! I am not kidding on this, they literally ship their meat world-wide because of how famous it is.

I sat down, and recognized two of the workers there instantly. They had served me almost 2 years ago when I was here, and also July of 2018 when I was here.

A cool guy was sitting next to me, and we started a nice conversation while enjoying our sandwiches. After eating, we parted ways.

After the amazing experience at Schwartz’s with meeting new people & seeing familiar faces, I went to a restaurant/bar to get some famous Canadian poutine.

Something about me: I don’t feel like I’m truly “in” a place until I’ve tasted the local food! Tasting that delicious smoked meat sandwich & poutine really helped set it in that “I am in Montreal!!!”

On the way to the restaurant/bar, I noticed a yoga place. Literally as I left Schwartz’s I was thinking that I wanted to find a good, affordable, English yoga studio to keep my yoga practice up at.

Boom, found it. They teach in English (not French), they’re in a great location, and have a variety of classes- and, they’re cheap AF (new sign-up)! I didn’t purchase the membership just yet in case I find another place closer to where I’ll be staying with my friend. If I don’t, this is now sorted out- woohoo!

Now in the bar-restaurant thing, I ate some delicious poutine. I looked around me and saw that there were mainly just beautiful girls, and not so many guys. Montreal has some gorgeous girls.

Some of the girls were laughing and cheering at the bar, so I figured it was some party or something.

The bartender then came over to me and tapped on a shot glass that was secretly placed in front of me! Shots, on the house, for everyone!

Together all of us at the bar took a shot, we all smiled, and I continued eating my delicious poutine. Oooh yeaaah.

This is Montreal, an epic city. I haven’t even met my friends yet and everything is going right!

Like always, this is going to be an awesome stay… (:

-Michael

Back in Action… Feeling Excited

I feel the haze of the past couple months is finally passing by, and I’m returning back to my ideal self… it is exciting!

In today’s post, I’ll share with you some upcoming travel plans, other activities I’m doing, some key take-away lessons and more!

Business

Despite my extreme sadness over my ex & getting over some other crazy traumatic life events, somehow my business has been doing absolutely wonderful…

In fact, the past month in business has been THE best month I’ve EVER had in business in my entire life!

This blows my mind because I haven’t felt like I’ve done a whole lot, when in fact I actually have.

Mini-Lesson: Feelings & Success

Feelings are not a good predictor of how successful you actually are. Of course, we all want to “feel good,” that’s why we do anything, whether it be pursue a relationship, sex, or money- it makes us feel better.

However, sometimes you’re just going to be sad no matter what. In my case, it was due to mental trauma (doing a surgery w/no anesthesia in Thailand, culture shock, travel fatigue, and most importantly: heartbreak).

Also, I really under-estimated just how tough the surgery + heartbreak combined would be. The two is not a good combination at all!

Anyways, I’m starting to slowly feel better, but I’ve still got a ways to go with over-coming the heartbreak… and that’s alright.

Accepting the Flow

Part of all that I’ve learned is to accept the flow of life. Rather than hanging onto those perfect memories with my ex & life in Bulgaria, I’m accepting that it’s gone and will never come back.

I’m accepting the present moment, which isn’t particularly exciting, and having faith in the future.

Accepting the flow also involves allowing your emotions to flow freely. The paradox is that by moving into the pain, you actually free yourself of it… it’s just very painful, and you may cry, a lot!

Productivity Habits

One thing I’ve struggled with in the past few months is internet & game addiction. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% addicted, but I have noticed some symptoms of addiction starting to come up within me.

I used the internet to really help me get over my ex, by indulging in video games & browsing Reddit.

Now that I can accept the emotions and am learning to accept that sometimes that means randomly breaking down in emotional pain (true strength is giving into your emotions, not burying them!), I feel it is also time to cut my distraction habits of video games & Reddit.

It also just makes logical sense: I know that which fulfills me, and that is not video games or the internet.

Phases of Life

I’ve also learned that this is just a “phase,” like a cloud that’s passing. Another friend put it perfectly: “you are going through your Winter season.”

Now I’m slowly moving into my “Spring,” by slowly taking more action and actually feeling grown and better.

Also, like I mentioned earlier, all because I felt sad & depressed and in a fog for most of my “Winter season” that doesn’t mean it wasn’t productive. It just means that I moved at a lot slower rate and maybe didn’t enjoy things as much as I wanted to… the seeds were growing underneath the soil, if you will.

Sometimes you just have to go through a phase of life where you’re in a mental cloud, sad & crying constantly, an emotional mess, lonely, and depressed.

Growth Lessons

And when you accept that phase of your life, you can actually grow quite a bit. In suffering so much, here are some things which I’ve learned:

  1. Personality Theory. I’ve studied the MBTI & personality types extensively and learned A TON. As I wrote in another post, these aren’t stupid “astral signs” that say vague things about you. Your personality type is your set of 4 cognitive functions. Understanding your cognitive functions helps you understand your strengths & weaknesses. In my case, I learned a ton.
  2. Yoga! I’ve done SO MUCH yoga! I’ve always put it off for “later,” but I guess the sadness of my ex forced me into yoga. I did a 2 week free trial, got addicted, and have been doing it since. I can’t explain with words how awesome yoga is… you’ve just gotta do it.
  3. Business. I’ve learned a ton in business surprisingly, and also gained a ton of experience. It has been my best month in business EVER, which blows my mind… I’m not even that happy at the #’s to be honest! I know I’ll feel excited about it later.
  4. Finances. As with making more money, I’ve also been saving and being more $-conscious. I’ve also got the most in savings I’ve ever had in my entire life… It makes me feel secure & awesome.
  5. Habit-building. I’ve got an awesome morning routine (which is rather simple). I wake up, meditate, workout, then get straight to work. Sounds simple but it’s highly effective.
  6. And more! I’ve just learned a ton about myself. I feel stronger and believe in myself. I feel more grounded. I understand who I am and know what to do in certain situations.

There are more, but only so much I’m willing to share right now (:

Even Winter seasons provide tremendous growth opportunities, in fact the MOST, if you seize them…

And paradoxically you can’t get down on yourself for fucking up too. Believe me, I’ve felt like a huge fuck up recently, playing video games & derping on Reddit and struggling in other ways.

I’ve made my fair share of mistakes so I guess I’ve also learned self-love through all of this… no one can really be perfect.

Adventure Plans

Now that I’m finally coming out of my shell, I feel excited for various things in life.

To start, I’m getting a motorcycle training course & my official license. My injuries are STILL healing from my last motorcycle crash in Thailand almost 3 months ago. WOW!

Even though in those areas you can ride without a license totally fine (just carry $15 cash for the “fine” if you know what I mean), it feels better to have one. Also, when I travel back to Europe I won’t not be able to rent cars & motorcycles because I’ll actually have a license.

Travel Plans

On March 13th I’ll be in Montreal, Canada until March 25th. Special shout out to an epic friend for letting me stay with him! <3

I’m super pumped for Montreal. The second time I was there I really connected with my friends even deeper, but I was really depressed and not taking a whole lot of positive action in life the last time I was there, so now I feel I’m going back to truly enjoy Montreal to the fullest!

My friend can read my mind, too. He suggested my #1 favorite Montreal restaurant for dinner on the 13th- Schwartz’s, the world-famous smoked meat deli! Wooohooo!

After March 25th I’ll be back in Phoenix, for a short while though..

Future Travel Plans

I haven’t decided on anything completely yet, but I suspect that my subconscious mind has already made up its mind… does that make sense?

For the longest time now I’ve wanted to immigrate to Bulgaria completely. There is a hefty cost associated with this, and a lot of work. The longer it has dragged on, the more hesitant I have become.

I’ve sat down and calculated out the remaining costs of immigration. I already KNOW everything I need to do, it’s just paying lawyers to do random stuff for me.

I HAVE the money to do it, but I’m hesitant… This is the most amount of money I’ve had in my life, actually. I’ve got a large tax bill coming up which part of it will go to, and I don’t wish to blow the remainder on immigration to Bulgaria.

In my “Winter season” I have been so much better with finances than before. It is now a top priority for me to KEEP my finances this way. I’m so sick and tired of the $ problems I had before, I refuse to put myself at any risk of it again.

As a result, I won’t follow through on immigration JUST yet. This leaves two options for after Montreal:

The first is to go to Bulgaria on a 3-month tourist visa. After that I could complete the immigration process completely, OR go to Asia.

The second is to return to travel/adventure Asia for a few months, THEN fly to Bulgaria for 3 months, THEN do the immigration process.

My subconscious mind I feel is leaning towards the second option. I know this because of my sudden decision to sign up for motorcycle training classes & get my official license. I wouldn’t need to invest time & money into that if I were going to Bulgaria… Consciously I haven’t made the choice, but perhaps this choice has already been made for me?

Returning to Asia

The reason returning to Asia is appealing is because I’ve never actually experienced it to the fullest- the last time I was in Thailand I had to get a horrible surgery & was so heartbroken. I was not in a good frame of mind! I wasn’t taking action to meet people even!

Now that I’m in a better vibe, I’m ready to explore & adventure again. Unlike last time, I’m coming prepared.

For example, I have a list of things to achieve/do in Asia before I can go. I know the culture shock will get me, as it always does, so I’m promising to stay for a minimum of 1-2 months before leaving. This will also give me time to achieve my original dreams.

Even as I was living in Montreal the first time almost 2 years ago, I wrote with excitement about traveling & living in Asia. No. More. Delays!

If I keep letting my mind find reasons to avoid it, valid or not, it will not get done. A friend I spoke to recently put it perfectly: “You need to live in Asia first, before Bulgaria, otherwise it will keep eating at you. You need to know.”

He said some other very smart things which I forgot. The point is that going to Asia has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind, but has been unexpressed. I just can’t wait any longer, and I can’t wait for the “perfect moment.”

I’m not even fully over my ex- I’m still pretty sad and have a ways to go, but now I know what to do to feel better.

At any rate, I intend on returning to & living in Bulgaria AFTER Asia, which will reduce some of the “holy shit I’m living here” feelings. If I love it so much, I will stay longer and do only a short stay in Bulgaria. If it sucks or is enjoying but I couldn’t live there, then of course I’ll return to Bulgaria.

Plans & Change

All that being said, “no plan survives first contact.” I know this better than anyone!

I’ve said I was going to Asia, only to end up in Europe. I’ve said I was going to live in Budapest, only to fall in love in Bulgaria. I’ve said I wanted to go to Thailand, only to end up in Cyprus.

Circumstances, feelings, and information is always changing- the right decision now is not necessarily the right decision 1 year from now, you feel?

So even as I write this, I feel it is so important to add this little disclaimer of “nothing is guaranteed after Montreal.” For all I know I’ll meet a multi-million dollar client who flies me out to Medellin, Colombia.

In this crazy travel-entrepreneur life, you never quite know what’s going to happen. Maybe I fall in love in Asia, never to return to Bulgaria again (probably not, I love ya’ll in Bulgaria!). Maybe I fall in love in Montreal with the first girl I meet there. Maybe I get invited to an Africa trip. You just don’t know!

It does feel good to have a “rough framework or plan for the future” though. I’ll be in Montreal, then Phoenix, then (most likely Bali) asia, then Bulgaria, then western Europe, and then Montreal & phoenix again and then Bulgaria this time with immigration status.

Want some money?

Of course, I’m still open to change… We don’t know what’ll happen. In fact, you should screenshot this now and message me in October of 2019 and ask me how this rough plan went.

If you do so, I will send you $10 USD via PayPal (or Venmo or whatever)- ONLY for the first 3 people to send me the screenshot though, so I guess put Oct 1, 2019 on your calendar! I’m curious to see how the future will line up from these future plans.

Excitement

At any rate, I’m feeling more and more excited and like my original self.. my best self.

Now I feel confident in my ability to handle the storm, and whatever comes my way! Let’s see what adventures are waiting for me & us… (:

-Michael