Chiang Mai Feelings

I just arrived in Chiang Mai, and it’s exciting- walking around this city I stayed in 6 months ago, it’s all the same yet I’m in such a different state of mind it’s so different.

Before the loud bikes, lack of normal sidewalks, and other differences between Europe/USA & Asia really bothered me. I thought I was above culture shock being a world traveler for so long, but now I am humbled to know that it doesn’t matter how long you travel for- it can get you.

I was heartbroken then, and I also had a huge surgery to take care of in Chiang Mai. It was a dark period of my life, my own personal Winter.

Now I’m in my Spring, or Summer perhaps, things are looking up- business growth, skills, purpose, girls, healing, it’s all coming together.

It feels almost like when I first started traveling. The dark feeling pulling me down is going away.

Now I feel young and free again, like anything is possible. What will happen during the month or two in Chiang Mai before I go to Bulgaria? Who will I meet? What will I see?

I stayed for 3 weeks before, but I feel like I saw nothing. I just stayed for a month and Bali and also felt like I saw nothing there.

I’m quite tired, and a bit irritable. It’s a funny mix of inspiration and irritability, as I hardly slept last night from excitement.

I now am wiser in my self-awareness, knowing that my irritability is not the place or me or my business or life- it’s just a bit of tiredness, and being locked in a plan is not fun either.

I used to think I was so invincible, that I could control my emotions, but now I realize you can’t- emotions do their own thing, and true freedom/meditation is just letting them be, holding in mind a true knowing of what’s true.

I can’t tell whether it’s the irritability or whether I need to go back to Bali, but I really miss Bali- now that I’m gone, I can feel the difference in vibe..

Not that Chiang Mai has bad vibes. Chiang Mai has great vibes, but it’s a different delicious flavor- my body craves for more of Bali, months more of Bali.

There is at least 2 months worth of stuff to do, I have friends to connect with again in Bali, and now I know the way of Bali (and Southeast Asia in general) so in a way I don’t feel ready to go to Bulgaria in June, but at the same time I can’t keep waiting- I miss my friends & life there, also.

This is the way of the traveler: to miss many places. To miss Montreal, Phoenix, Sofia, Bali, and Thailand and even more places and people all at the same time.

Bali really taught me how to enjoy the present moment- enjoy whatever dance you’re in. Goals are great, and everyone needs them, but the strange nuance of life is that you need to be present while you have goals.

So I focus on this moment, while also keeping in my peripheral where I’d like my business to go, and where I’d like to go to live.

Following your heart can feel scary because it takes you to the unknown. It shows you things, and demands growth. But it’s totally worth it.

My heart is scared for Chiang Mai. In a way the familiarity is nice, and there is a nostalgia from all the memories that I created here before.

At the same time, I feel sad because those times are gone- and I still have contacts in Bali. Who knows though, maybe some old acquaintances are here- now is the time to reach out.

I promised my heart that if after a week or a few days we aren’t feeling it, we’ll go back to Bali, even if it costs some money to do. Bali was SO amazing, I loved it so much!

And I didn’t even realize how amazing Bali was because I was coming out of my own personal darkness… now that I’m here, I realize how great there was- it’s not one big epic event or thing, it’s just the day to day that made it so amazing.

But I’m going to give Chiang Mai a 100% try. I owe that to myself. I first came here heartbroken, sad, in a shell, depressed, obsessed with money, going through a surgery, and so much more- now I’m young and free, healing, happier, and now I know the way of Southeast Asia.

For example, I knew where I might want to put my apartment in Chiang Mai- but I didn’t buy anything online because the Way in Southeast Asia is to look at things when here, and only book your first accommodation for a few days.

I do miss Bali. I also miss Bulgaria. I’m also excited to be here, and also a bit irritable from the flying and sleep deprivation.

But through it all, I’m feeling more and more relaxed and peaceful. Travel is teaching me to be here and now, nowhere else. Of course I keep in mind where I’m going, as should you (unless you need to wander a bit), but you only have THIS moment to choose where you’re going.

So here I am sitting in an old favorite restaurant, so excited to eat one of my favorite Thai dishes that I just couldn’t seem to find in USA- or it just wasn’t the same as eating it in Chiang Mai.

I love Thai food, and now I shall eat, so that’s all I should focused on- relaxed, one thing at a time, grateful for the food, grateful for the experience, grateful for everything, grateful for you.

Who knows what may happen. My heart may beg me to go back to Bali after a week. It may fall in love here. It may demand Bulgaria. One step at a time, enjoying the dance, that’s the beauty of life- you don’t know where it’s going, but it’s fun (if you let it be so).

-Michael