Trapped in the Past

Today, like many other days, I was wasting an absurd amount of time in the shower.

Every morning as soon as the warm water in the shower hit my back I would on command enter a deep contemplation.

These ruminations would last half an hour or more. By the time I’d leave the shower I’d be tired from all the heat.

Whenever I vowed to shorten the shower, a new train of thought would erupt and pull me back in to my mind.

Each day is the same:

My mind wanders to the mistakes I made in my past relationship. It thinks of every decision I made that could’ve been different. It thinks of the good times, bad times, and everything about her.

The focus is always the same- how the relationship fell apart, how I had to leave Bulgaria and how I made a bad decision by staying in Cyprus instead of following my heart to Thailand (and how that may have had a huge effect on the relationship falling apart).

Today I decided to clear my mind with a deep breath. In the midst of a clear mind an epiphany arose:

“When was this?” I realized that the big focus of everything was in June of 2018, seven months ago.

May & early June of 2018 were such happy times. I had the girl, the lifestyle, a bit of money… it was the happiest time of my life.

Then things started getting ugly & falling apart, but that’s a story for another day.

The point is that I realized I’m stuck in the past. 

I can’t go back & change my decisions, though if I could I totally would.

So much time has passed so fast. I haven’t had enough memories. I haven’t lived & grown enough because I made the unconscious choice to bury myself in the past.

I reminded myself that it has been 7 long months since it all began falling apart, and 3 months since the relationship fell apart.

While I can’t go back to change the past, I can change the future.

So I asked myself this: what decision could I make now that will set me up for a better future?

I made many mistakes in life & the relationship, but one of the biggest was getting stuck in the past and clinging to a reality that in that moment was passing and has now passed.

It sucks, but I’ve gotta move on.

I turned the knob on the shower from hot to cold. It wasn’t pleasant switching to a cold shower.

I began taking other actions today, thinking all of the future which is filled with infinite possibility.

None of it was pleasant.. no it fucking sucked. I would go back, I would. But I can’t. What’s done is done.

Maybe we come back together, or maybe we don’t. All I know is that I must put one foot in front of the other because the future holds even happier times, if I let it be so.

So if you read this, I would encourage you to ask yourself what decision you can make today to prepare yourself for a better future.

Don’t ruminate about your past mistakes, accomplishments, and failures. The present is here and you can own your future… but you make that choice right now.

-Michael