When I was in Bali, I often found myself tortured by circling thoughts surrounding my ex and previous relationship.
I found it hard to imagine how such boundaries could be crossed… And what made me act in the strange ways that I did?
Love is a powerful drug, and as I’ve learned it doesn’t necessarily bring out the best in you.
Sure, it can make you stronger, happier, healthier, and give you a newfound passion and purpose for living. It can be exactly what you need.
But it can also bring out your possessive side, the needy side, the manipulative and controlling side.
If everyone is being completely honest no one is close to perfect. We all act a bit strange while under the influence of the most powerful drug on Earth.
Even if your actions are kind, you still likely have some problem. It could be that you’re idealizing your partner, or perhaps you’re being a bit too okay with certain boundaries being crossed.
As powerful as that love is, it isn’t always meant to last in this lifetime- if at all.
There’s probably not much more painful than a break up. It can go on for days, weeks, months, years… It just hurts. And you don’t know how to fix it.
It’s such a mind-fuck. It’s like you’re mourning someone but they’re still alive. It’s such a challenge, and one of the hardest things to overcome.
Idealizing the past is not good because that is not the true situation. The truth is it wasn’t all sunshine n’ rainbows.
You can’t hate them though because hate keeps them in your heart and prevents you from moving on.
You can try to focus on their downsides as reasons for moving on, but that doesn’t help much either.
You can delude yourself into thinking things would be better in the future, when really you two would just fall back into the same dynamic.
Honestly I don’t think a certain part of the brain will ever understand a break up. Can it?
One day you wake up and it doesn’t hurt so bad. You feel a bit happy and grateful for everything you have.
And there’s not anything special that you did, it’s just that you feel better.
Sure things like making deep friends, getting a life purpose, working hard, working out, and just letting yourself cry help- a ton.
There’s also the side of recovery which is just “giving it time.” Feeling it out. Going into darkness, so you can be reminded what light is.
One of the biggest mind-fucks of a break up is the contrast between the good and bad times.
If you focus on the good times, you idealize your past partner, ignoring that your boundaries were crossed and that you probably have some self-development work also.
If you focus on the bad times, as a method of telling yourself “this is why we need to move on,” then you just grow resentful and the pain stays all that much more longer.
One of those most important epiphanies I had when I first came to Thailand was that..
It’s Okay To Have Good Memories With Them.
And it’s okay to let those good memories sit there. Don’t indulge in them, but they don’t need to be destroyed or forgotten.
I think I was trying a bit too hard to forget everything. I couldn’t comprehend that her darkness existed next to her brightness.
Since that day I’ve felt a ton better. It’s like a wave of acceptance and peace washed over me.
Some days I still hurt and have a few tears to let loose, but I’m doing so much better. When a positive memory surfaces, I can just let it be there and then let it go back into the countless list of great memories I have.
I think I got this epiphany thinking of other girls I had a short thing with, or even girls that I had hung out with here.
There is one very attractive girl I hooked up with recently for example, and even though that was a one-night thing there’s no need to purge this memory all because it won’t continue forever into the future.
The memory can sit there, and I can just be grateful for the experience that I had.
While the dynamics in my past relationship weren’t perfect- we definitely bordered on co-dependence- there were some damn good memories and she was there and vice versa sometimes.
I found this brought about a new wave of gratitude for her, and peace. Not gratitude in a needy way desperately wishing to go back, but just gratitude that it happened.
We were meant to be in those moments of time. We weren’t mature enough or ready or perhaps even meant to be forever… and that’s okay.
Now when I feel the pain, I try to ask myself what other lesson I need to learn. Sometimes I learn about how I should’ve set better boundaries, or walked away sooner.
But there are also lessons of the mistakes that I made. The pain forces you to improve and grow. It is fuel for a better you.
The past is the past, and all because there is pain for a love that didn’t last forever doesn’t mean the good memories need to be purged too.
All because they weren’t there when you needed them in the end doesn’t mean that they weren’t there for you before- because they were. Just something changed, maybe your fault, maybe not, but it did, so change and improve with it.
With every experience in life we can “get better, or get bitter.” Change forces you to move up or down. Reflecting on my life there’s never been a moment that I haven’t been moving up or down.
So let the good memories rest where they may, and keep on moving up. Better awaits.
I’ll add too that this applies not just to past romantic partners but everyone- friends, family, everyone & everything.
As I “adult” I learn that not everyone is who I thought they were. The past begins to make more sense with certain people as I learn things that… shock me.
We all have a darkness inside of us, no point in denying that. That doesn’t mean the light needs to be purged because that too is the truth. There are two truths in everyone.
Let the good memories be, and let them go as you create new ones.