It’s my last day in Thailand. Wow.
One of the coolest things about travel is that you can compare yourself to who you were in different cities- instead of time flying by and your new self mixing into your old one, you can clearly see your differences because the environment is so vastly different in each place.
I am not the person I was when I came in.
In fact I’ve developed many of the positive Asian (namely Thai) attributes and grown a ton as a person.
Misc note: super tired & sleep-deprived writing this. Keep that in mind for the rambling / general confusing flow.
For example, in my previous post “A New Standard of Ethics,” I wrote a lot about how I was taking steps to clean up the mistakes of my past and be cleaner moving forward.
I’ve been a lot more observant of Karma, which I do believe to exist in some form or another.
For this particular belief I don’t think it is so literally direct, but more-so it exists in the kind of fashion that you “get what you put out.” Even in the West we kind of know this via the “Law of Attraction” or Biblical teachings from Jesus.
I’m also more observant of the “yin/yang” of life, and trying to be as much in the present moment as possible.
Asia has been overall a wonderful growth experience, and I feel truly ready now to leave and return to Bulgaria to see what’s there.
Here are some thoughts/feels I have about leaving Thailand finally.
Purpose & Direction
Perhaps the best thing I’m taking with me as I leave is a newfound sense of direction & purpose.
When I first entered Bulgaria my life had very little purpose or direction. It was kind of a mess.
The biggest purpose I had was probably to pick up girls. I was really into something called “game,” which isn’t necessarily bad, but I lacked a lot of depth in my life.
As soon as I had a girlfriend, this purpose was gone, and so instantly I became docile and aimless, which I’m certain created many conflicts in the relationship as she became too important to me (and vice versa).
Not that your partner shouldn’t be important to you… Just that you need to maintain your individuality. You can’t be a couple if you aren’t even an individual.
Now I have a very clear sense of direction, and the women I meet I do not fall so fast or so instantly. I can appreciate their love and give great affection, but I remain focused in who I am, where I’m going, and what I must do.
I know my fitness goals, business goals, dating needs, social needs, and life direction.
I’ve also a true sense of self and who I am, hobbies, and activities that I enjoy doing. I’ve boundaries, self-respect, etc.
Conscientiousness
In Montreal earlier this year one of my friends (thanks bro) was super encouraging in trying to show me I should become more conscientious.
Being conscientious means you take care of yourself, clean, have direction, work hard, and feel bad if you don’t. It means you schedule in priorities and reject “the flow” in favor of walking your own path.
You can determine how conscientious you are by taking the “big five personality test.” I still have yet to fully take advantage of this program, but the initial data alone is very important for your growth.
I’m great in many areas, though lacking in this area. I’ve struggled with schedules, budgets, finances, planning, and direction.
Now that I’m developing this area I feel so much better.
Another way you can seek to improve yourself is by taking the “myers briggs personality test” (just google “personality test” and you’ll find it) and actively trying to embody the traits of your opposite.
I am an ENFP, so by embodying the traits of an ISTJ, I can grow and become more successful.
Instead of being so extraverted and loud, I’ve tried to listen. Instead of being so intuitive and thinking about what could be, I analyze what is and become sensory. Instead of feeling and going with the excitement, I think about what needs to get done and be more logical. Instead of being so perceptive of opportunity and people, I’ve attempted to be more judging and calculated in my direction.
I am not perfect yet, but simply knowing my direction is helping to align all of my other actions.
Yin & Yang
Almost everything in life comes in pairs. Yin & yang. Man and woman. Hot and cold. Light and dark.
At heart I am ENFP, but this is just yin. By embodying the traits of the yang, ISTJ, I can funnily enough improve my whole.
I’ve also realized this with the terms of my living situation. For the past 2+ years I’ve been ‘digital nomad’ which means I haven’t had a permanent residence, and constantly moved between cities & countries.
Traveling could be equated to yin, and staying in one place yang.
I’ve had too much yin (travel) in the past 2 years, and need more yang (staying in one place).
My goal is to have a primary residence/home base by next year (yang). It will be much better for all of my current goals in life, and strangely enough help me travel.
By settling in staying in one place I can develop deeper friendships/relationships, get a better routine to help my business (plus energy saved can be redirected towards these other areas), and ultimately generate more wealth.
Then all of these things will funny enough allow me to travel on vacation more, or try out other cities.
When you are too much yin/yang, you must embody the traits of the other in order to grow entirely, and paradoxically help your original yin/yang grow.
If you are too rigid, try to be spontaneous. If you are too spontaneous, try to be more rigid.
Another example: if you don’t like the cold and constantly try to be warm, you will ultimately become easily too cold and suffer from the original problem you attempted to avoid.
If on the other hand you take 3 minute cold showers every morning, you harden your skin so that you do not feel cold so easily.
By chasing too much yin, you embody the yang. You must incorporate both sides, light and darkness, to paradoxically get the side you originally wanted.
Bulgaria
I feel curious about how Bulgaria will be. Now I am a different person, as are my previous friends.
It’ll be interesting to see what my experience of it is.
If I enjoy it, I’ll stay and live in Bulgaria as my permanent residence for the time being. If I do not, then I will permanently move to Phoenix or Chiang Mai.
Though we all know how plans go…
I’m approaching Bulgaria with an open mind. Let’s see it!
Leaving Thailand
I actually feel ready to leave Thailand. When I left Chiang Mai the first time for a weekend in Vietnam, I felt exhausted and desperate to return to Chiang Mai.
When I returned I was very happy and much more satisfied. The past couple months in Chiang Mai were wonderful, but something felt like it was missing.
I realized I made some mistakes in Chiang Mai, such as that at first I made friends with too many travelers, and then when they left I felt lonely.
Then I was too lazy to work hard to meet more people as I was focused on work, and thus made friends with people that I didn’t really love.
Even though I knew I didn’t like them, I wasn’t so judgy but instead too open to new people and thus regularly went out with people that had weird vibes.
It wasn’t all bad. Sometimes I was with great people, but I didn’t try hard enough. Business is simply more of a priority, which is another reason I’d choose to be in Bulgaria or USA- I already have social fulfillment so it’s one less thing to worry about.
Anyways, it happened as it did. It felt like my growth started to stunt near the end of Chiang Mai, and I felt bored. I love Chiang Mai but maybe it’s not my place, at least for now.
Like I mentioned earlier I grew a ton, and am so grateful/glad for the experience. I also fully intend to return to Thailand, especially as now I’ve learned some Thai and would like to continue learning Thai.
I’ve also many deep friends around Thailand that I’d like to meet again!
Ultimately though I’m ready to go.
Phoenix…?
After an estimated 3 months in Bulgaria, I will either move back to Chiang Mai, immigrate to Bulgaria, or move to Phoenix. In the case of the latter two, I’ll also plan a layover in Montreal for a couple weeks or longer.
Honestly a part of me longs again for the USA. There is something there which isn’t here.
It’s a constant struggle. I’ve traveled so much there’s always something else “there” which “here” doesn’t have. It’s why I’ve really needed to become present to the moment.
When I was in the USA for the last time, it felt as though I was a foreign immigrant moving to the USA.
I’ve basically spent so much time outside of the USA that it’s not my country entirely anymore. I’m so different!
Going back is always difficult because of the changes, but it also left me curious for more.
With having grown so much and looked into my dark side, insecurities, and weaknesses, I’ve realized that I may actually love the USA if I am willing to address the reasons which I kind of wanted to leave in the first place which were negative.
Of course I wanted to travel and see the world, but if I’m being completely honest there were a few things & perceptions I was running away from also.
It’s hard to say what is reality and what is not. There is hardly an objective truth in life as life responds to us in the way we give to it.
I feel genuinely curious to move back to the USA once again, and this time as a permanent residence from which I’ll travel from.
The fact is it’s easiest for me to live there, and there are some really awesome things that I can only appreciate now after having lived so long outside of the USA.
We’ll see. Plans don’t always go as planned. I may live in Bulgaria. Or Thailand. It doesn’t matter where as long as I get a permanent residence soon.
In Total
I feel ready to leave Thailand. I miss Bulgaria & my friends there. I’m curious to see what it’s like.
I’ve grown as a person, I’m changing, and things will be different, but now I’m curious to see things from an open perspective of both the good and the bad.
I’ve found my direction and ready for a primary residence soon.
See you in Bulgaria tomorrow…
