My Life’s Dilemma: To Grow, or To Relax

I’ll be honest. I’ve been feeling a bit purposeless recently.

This is in part because I broke up with my girlfriend, someone whom I was so certain about and so in love with before things changed.

However, this isn’t the only reason.

I’ve been feeling like this for a little while. I’ve been a bit lost & confused as to what I want to do & where I want to go next.

Introducing: The Past

A couple of years ago was hell.

I was socially isolated, in a lot of chronic pain, and overall not happy.

My current online business was where I put all my eggs, and I had no other choice than to make it work.

The thing with “avoidance motivation” is that it runs out. As soon as you run away from the pain, you have no more inspiration to keep you growing.

I’ve since fixed my health for the most part, I did have an amazing relationship, I’ve traveled to 11 countries, and I’ve also worked very little while making good money online.

Alas, there’s no such thing as happily ever after…

Thailand, The DREAM vs. The Past Year (Europe)

My original dream was to get over to Thailand, and then Bali, ride scooters around, live like a king for very little money, and create a great life.

I wanted to meet other travelers, backpackers, and hook up or find an amazing girlfriend.

Instead I’ve been primarily in Europe or Montreal.

It has been a ton of fun, and something I definitely wanted to do, but I would’ve thought by now things would’ve been a lot different.

Namely, that I’d have visited Southeast Asia.

You see 11 countries doesn’t feel like a lot of countries, even though it objectively is. My passport is filled with stamps and I’ve visited places I’ve always wanted to go to, but I never made it over to Thailand- not yet.

It doesn’t matter how many countries you’ve visited. It matters how many places that you’ve wanted to visit that you’ve visited.

That changes on November 15, when I fly to Thailand. In literally 2 weeks I’ll be sleeping in Bangkok.

Falling “Off The Path” of Purpose

On one hand, a part of me thinks that I may have “fallen off my path,” but the other part of me questions whether I was really ever on it in the first place.

Avoidance motivation is tricky in that you remember things as if you were on your “purpose” but when you actually remember the little things you realize just how much you were suffering, just how lost you really were.

Here’s the thing with avoidance motivation too: it prevents you from finding your real purpose because you’re too busy running away from pain.

My approach motivation (what I’ve been drawn towards) has always been Thailand & Bali, in that order.

Why? I don’t know. It feels right.

My dream was to go to Thailand/Bali, live off of very little $ and work few hours, but also somehow magically grow the business and then get rich. Ooh and also have lots of sex & meditate a ton & perhaps most important surf a ton in Bali.

I ran away from my pain, and a part of me was attracted to Bulgaria, but I over-stayed in Europe.

I also had the opportunity to travel to Thailand a few months ago, but…

One Epic Relationship Knocked Me Down

I fell in love hard. Deeper than anything before. Suddenly I believed in “soulmates” and “true love” and all of that.

And, there weird thing is that there were strange signs, strange coincidences, and other things that seemed to “put us perfectly together.”

I won’t go into reasons why we broke up.

Perhaps we were meant to be during those 10 months, or perhaps we could’ve stayed together for longer or life had we each made better, more authentic life decisions.

In June of 2018 I was getting kicked out of Bulgaria- my visa was going to expire and there was nothing more that could be done.

Instead of taking it as an opportunity to fulfill my “Thailand & Bali” dream, I flew to Cyprus.

I tried to start making a ton of $ online, grow the business, etc. and it was honestly hell.

My experiences & friends in Cyprus were great, but Cyprus, Greece, and Poland were not my choices at all. I felt like I had lost control of my life and was getting sucked into the current.

Here’s what I did: I chose Cyprus because I was shocked, in pain, and I wanted to stay close so that my girlfriend at the time could visit me cheaply from Bulgaria.

Well, that was a fucking disaster. Her parents ended up not letting her come for the entire 5 weeks.

I spent 5 weeks in a place I did not love for a girl who couldn’t end up visiting me. That’s not her fault at all, 100% mine.

My point is that something happened in the relationship & I lost my sense of freedom, it doesn’t matter who is to blame because I could’ve made a different choice (Thailand).

Since Cyprus my life spiraled out of control from difficult circumstances. I struggled financially at one point, Germany was a disaster, on and on.

I learned a lot that I might make into another post or YouTube video.

The short version is you must stay super authentic to yourself, otherwise life will cut your balls in two.

Finally, the Dream: But What About Business? 

Anyways, I’m back on my life path (kind of).

Thailand here I come! Bali is being kept in mind too.

It feels like finally I’ll be going to the places I really wanted to visit, and I’m super pumped.

Now the great dilemma is what I should do with my business.

Perhaps I’m just burnt out from the craziness of life and need a month long break to try not to grow things in Thailand & Bali. That would certainly be nice. Perhaps that will restore inspiration, as I will be “in touch” with my original goals & dreams.

Alternatively, I might just have to say “fuck it” and start hustling towards something greater.

I’ve been waiting a long time for that, and I know I have the skills to build something awesome- it’s just sticking to it that is difficult at first.

The truth about my business is that it won’t stay around forever. I can’t do what I’m doing for the next 10 years, perhaps not even the next 5!

Right now I’m at a very comfortable & nice place in life. Comfort is the enemy of progress.

Now is the time to leverage my position in life to grow because I may not have another opportunity as awesome & open as this one.

I’ve got some good $, I’ve got some time freedom (albeit not completely), but the point is that I have a lot more freedom than other people- freedom which could be used to grow something which means even more freedom!

I don’t know if I need to relax, or just get hustling.

One thing I noticed is that my ex-girlfriend’s bad habits really stuck with me.

She had a bad habit of being super stressed and saying “I don’t have time for XYZ,” despite obviously having tons of time.

Yesterday I caught myself saying “I don’t have time” a few too many times, and I’ve caught myself acting like that every single day.

I’m rushing between different activities, exhausting myself, and despite having a ton of free time I keep missing out on priorities because of the stress & burden I’m placing on myself.

Ever since Cyprus I’ve been working 2x-4x more with about a 20% increase in return-on-investment- this shows me that the extra work & stress I’ve placed on myself is far from efficient or effective.

Something needs to change.

So, here rests the unsolved dilemma: should I get into “hustle mode,” or should I keep relaxing?

Better yet: should I try create my purpose or should I take more time to just “enjoy life?” I have not been doing enough of the latter recently, I must admit.

I shall discover this on November 15, 2018.

Onward to Thailand!

For the dream.

-Michael