A little over a year ago I remember having a conversation with a friend that went like this:
“Sex is so amazing. Oh yeah this position is awesome. Oh yeah I love when she does that. Yeah sex is the best thing ever.”
The kicker?
Both of us were virgins….
We had an entire conversation about how sex was so amazing when we both had never done it. I recently confessed to this friend during a deep conversation last month of the truth, and he laughed and admitted the truth too.
The truth was that at the time we were both virgins, but we were ashamed of it.
We both put on a mask, got fooled by the other person’s mask, and then proceeded to sink further into loneliness and shame for our lack of female companions.
Was this really necessary? Perhaps if only one of us was “real” about things then we both would be, and a deeper conversation could’ve been had, and we both wouldn’t feel so lonely about our situation (which isn’t uncommon at all).
This seems to be something we men struggle with most of all.
We put on masks of “business success, best sexual skills & having all the girls, strongest and most attractive,” so on and so forth when…
We Are All Depressed & Lonely
When I made the decision and started opening up about how I really felt about things in life, and what really happened, something interesting starts happening:
Other people tell me their story too.
I’ve never met anyone that’s “perfect” or doesn’t have a sad story of their own.
I’m not saying we should sit around in a circle jerk of depression. Yes let’s take action to be happy, but we have to do so by opening up our inner truths!
The thing is I’ve never met a perfectly confident, healthy, or sexual person ever.
As soon as I’ve opened up about my problems & feelings, people start opening up about their problems & feelings and suddenly you realize that you’re not as alone as you thought you were in the first place.
Believing The Mask
In trying to hide our faults, many of us “put on a mask” in order to appear better.
The funny thing is that practicing authenticity (something I’m not perfect at) burns away other people’s masks, meaning you can see right through their masks.
When you put on another mask though, it prevents you from properly reading other people.
In trying to appear perfect, you see everyone else as perfect, and therefore lose touch with your humanity. You become lonely, depressed, and anxious because you begin to feel even more imperfect.
Masks Prevent True Connection
When you put on a mask you also prevent yourself from meeting other authentic individuals.
The authentic people will either see right through your mask, or you will not connect deeply enough with them to feel true human connection.
In trying to appear perfect in previous times of my life I have prevented myself from deep connection with others. As soon as I made the decision to be authentic, these connections instantly deepened because I was open to that raw human connection.
If you’re lucky the authentic person will “burn” your mask and admit something first, but that’s not always likely because even if a person is authentic they don’t want to be judged for their faults even if they know it’s okay to admit them.
What I mean by this is that while they may be authentic, they may consciously choose not to connect with you deeply because they fear judgement or criticism.
Remove Assumptions & See The Truth
One thing I have done and see others do often is assume that other people are more perfect or happy than they are.
This is generally not true, and everyone always has problems that need to be solved in their life.
For example, you might say “wow everyone in my new job is so confident, clear, and knows what they’re doing. I’m so confused what’s wrong with me!”
The thing is everyone has been anxious & confused at some point during their life, so you don’t need to worry about whether or not it’s “always you.”
This also happens a lot during “group activities” in clubs, schools, etc.
People feel like everyone else in the group is so confident & relaxed, but a deep conversation after with each person will reveal that everyone felt a bit nervous and insecure about their intelligence, contribution, and status within the group.
Handling Criticism
The biggest thing holding people back from raw human connection is the fear of criticism.
I think that we learn to be inauthentic due to criticism from teachers, parents, and friends as we grow up; we over-react to it (or in some cases people are abused or mistreated).
You must realize that no good friend or associate will ever criticize you for opening up & being authentic.
If you state your true desires, your true feelings, etc. and they put you down for that, pray tell: are these people really worth keeping in your life?
Holding onto a friend or relatively or anyone that hurts you for being authentic is like holding onto a burning sack of cash.
Sure it’s a sack of cash, but it’s fucking burning and will take you down too! Do you understand this metaphor? The people in your life harsh towards your authenticity will take you down and prevent true happiness in your life!
Moving on from toxic people is difficult, but I’ve found that you connect so much more deeply with others.
For example I remember having a toxic ex-girlfriend in High School, and moving on from her was difficult at the time but necessary to meeting my amazing girlfriend.
Holding onto that toxic girl would’ve burned me up and prevent me from meeting the girl I was truly meant to be with. Now what good is that??
Understand now that what I am explaining is not simply “self-help” but an issue of morals and ethics. Let me make this very clear:
If I would’ve held onto that toxic girl, I wouldn’t have met my current girlfriend. That’s bad for me, but also bad for me, because she loves me and is meant to be with me too.
The past decision to hold onto a toxic girl would’ve prevented my girlfriend from meeting me, so therefore I would essentially be hurting my current girlfriend indirectly.
As complicated as this sounds, do try to wrap your head around it!
There are lovers in the future waiting to meet you, deep friends that need your support, and customers that need your product/service but IF you do not act AUTHENTICALLY, you will prevent these people the joys of connecting & bonding with you too. That is, your decision negatively impacts everyone in the future, whereas decisions to be authentic positively impact everyone in the future.
Theory aside, I understand it can be tough to make decisions in the present moment. The aforementioned “toxic ex-girl” I knew I was supposed to leave weeks (or months?) before I left her because I so desperately wanted a “girlfriend.”
You must now understand what I’m saying: by holding onto a friend, you prevent meeting your best friends. By holding onto a bad lover, you prevent meeting your soulmate.
Let go of the flaming bag of cash and find true gold. It pays off infinitely.
A Peek Into The Future…
Finally, the short-term pain of handling criticism is nothing to the long-term pain of authenticity.
I do dare you to talk to various elders- some will have stories of joy, abundance, and daring authenticity, whereas others will admit they made decisions for their friends, for their parents, and for society.
You will notice something strange: the authentic elders are oddly happy, look younger than they are, and have strange levels of abundance.
The ones that did not take the authentic route complain, look old, are sick, and generally struggle to an extent in life.
Life is lived in the present moment, but their will be a future. How will yours look?
But… Criticism Isn’t That Bad or Frequent
I should add that criticism isn’t near as bad as you think it will be, or near as frequent as you think it will be- especially when compared to the payoffs.
When you make the choice to be authentic to your problems, feelings, and desires you will find that you start connecting with friends more deeply.
For example in the story of me & a friend pretending not to be virgins, we connected so much deeper one year later because we had a “real talk” about our lives then & now.
You may just find that your friends love you even more. They feel safe to express around you, and you safe to express around them. You get a newfound deep raw human connection.
You may find love in your life. I met my beautiful soulmate & girlfriend and she helps me be completely authentic.
The ability to give yourself fully to someone and receive them fully gives you an infinite source of love & joy from which you feel can allow you to achieve anything in the world.
If people criticize you, it may not even be that bad. Anyways, there may always be “losers” in the world (losers in the sense that they are bullies & put others down), so it’s good to learn sooner rather than later how to deal with these people.
The best thing you can do is shrug it off. Don’t let people control you or decide things for you- this is your life.
Criticism from new people in your life is basically nonexistent. The people most likely to criticize you are those closest to you.
I have straight up told strangers deeply authentic things about me and it has led to near instantaneous connections. This might be because these people have no clue as to what my identity is already, or it could just be that being authentic attracts authentic people into your life.
Whatever it is, know that being authentic with the new people in your life is much easier than people authentic in front of the old people in your life.
This once again takes us back to the “if they’re truly worth it or care for you they will encourage you to be authentic no matter what.”
There’s one interesting thing that happens with criticism though…
Criticism First, Praise Second
What once were stories of “the crazy stupid person following his unrealistic dreams” turn into stories of “the daring friend that made his dreams a reality.”
My dream of traveling the world & making money online wasn’t fully supported by everyone! However, I’ve learned from Grant Cardone that criticism always precedes praise.
While this isn’t always the case, criticism is often a sign that you’re authentic because it draws to light the lack of authenticity of others.
Sometimes there’s no need to cut out certain people in your life. You just have to tell them to shut up (nicely) and tell them you’re going to try your own thing first.
At first you may be criticized but after you will be praised for your boldness & strength.
As soon as I started world travel, all of that past criticism turned into praise.
I am now “legendary” in many people’s eyes- but before you glorify me too, know that once I was a “fool.”
Everyone Is Clueless, Beware Emotional Fallacies
One thing regarding criticism is that it often comes from sources which have no right to give you advice on whatever it is you’re trying to do.
People will say “this or that” isn’t possible, but they don’t know because they’ve never tried themselves!
The herd mentality in many humans is strong, but don’t judge because we’ve all succumbed to herd mentality before during our lives.
An example of this would be asking for relationship advice from your father when your father is divorced from your mother.
A divorced father/mother may give relationship advice to their child, but this doesn’t mean it’s proper advice…
There is an important logical fallacy we need to be aware of as I write this. A fallacy is a “false belief,” or something that is typically taken as truth but is actually not.
The fallacy is giving authority to people we are connected with for no other reason than that we are connected to them.
For example, we take life advice from someone we love but this person doesn’t have their life figured out.
You have to make sure that the advice or criticism you receive from anyone is logical, and not give their words value in this area of your life simply because you are/were close to them.
Any advice given to you should be thoroughly investigated rather than blindly believed.
For example, no matter how much you value me as a person you should never take lifting weights or building muscle advice from me.
I do not have “big muscles,” so it would be ridiculous to blindly follow my advice simply because you really value me as a friend.
This is extremely hard when it comes to lovers, best friends, friends, parents, and other relatives.
Another example of this fallacy in action is taking financial advice from non-rich parents.
That doesn’t necessarily mean their advice is wrong, they can be right about some things, but you should really find a better source for advice.
You should only receive success/financial advice from people that became rich after first being poor, not people born rich. This advice will be best catered to you because it truly fits your situation.
The same is true for everything. Only get relationship advice from someone in an amazing long-term relationship. Only get health advice from someone healthy. So on and so forth!
The Road To Authenticity or Loneliness
Everyday you are given a choice to take a step towards happiness or loneliness.
I personally believe that happiness is achieved by living life authentically.
I’ve met humans that get so much happiness from gardening, whereas others achieve their happiness through a different hobby.
If a particular hobby (such as gardening) can’t make everyone equally happy, then there must be a reason that gardening makes some people happy but others (like myself) bored.
The reason for this is authenticity. The gardener authentically expresses themselves that way, whereas others are meant to express their lives in different fashions.
There are universal truths that make all humans happy (eat healthy, sleep well, exercise), but there are other truths which will only make some people happy.
Happiness is not a moment but a daily expression. Each day you have a choice to follow your heart or bury your heart deeper.
I again remind you here that the consequences of authenticity are far less (if non-existent) than the consequences of in-authenticity (which are dramatically painful).
Being authentic is to put your life in balance, and so other problems (like those that don’t support you) will solve themselves naturally. Toxic people get replaced with better people, or they turn around and become more authentic- the latter tends to be the case.
By being authentic you are not just helping yourself but changing the world.
Are you a lonely virgin? What if you just admitted that, and connected with others?
Again that doesn’t mean lay around miserable at your lack of love, but it does allow you to connect more deep with the people you already have and paradoxically helps you meet the right person even faster!
Do you have a dream but are terrified to go for it? What if you went for it, changed the world, and inspired everyone to be better?
You can be a positive splash in the pond of life, and change everyone else’s lives.
Tim Ferriss authentically wrote “The 4 Hour Work Week” and inspired me to travel the world. Because I travel the world and live more authentically, others get inspired, and the cycle continues.
The people that I inspire and help succeed are not just an effect of my daring authenticity, but also the effect of Tim Ferriss- and whoever inspired him.
Each person that inspires another person to inspire others creates a ripple effect; your actions effect the world in ways you can’t possibly see.
There are the selfish benefits to authenticity (more happiness, love, health, etc.) but there are also selfless reasons.
I want to make this so clear because many people will not be authentic to please others, when really so many more people could be helped if you just opened up to your true feelings, thoughts, and desires…
It’s Your Choice
The road to authenticity or loneliness is a choice only you can make.
For me to make a choice for you would be anti-authenticity for you, even if my decision is what you truly want.
All I can do is inspire you to be authentic because I was once one of the most inauthentic people ever and becoming more authentic made me so much happier.
I have done my best to lay out the choices, effects, and knowledge that I’ve learned in this journey.
It is on you to take that next step.
Do you need to take off the mask? Do you need to connect more deeply? Do you have a secret passion? A secret dream?
The Road To Authenticity or Loneliness is walked whether or not you wish to walk it- time moves on, decision must be made, there is no stopping.
Time goes on no matter what.
Don’t hesitate, and do not mentally masturbate. I had to put this somewhere XD
Good luck!
What do you think of this article?
-Michael
