Since returning to Bulgaria, my level of energy has dropped drastically, and I’m not referring in my physical ability to get through the day (though that has dropped, also).
A great book called “Power vs. Force” details the various “degrees of energy” you could live at, ranging from low-level energetic patterns such as anger (force) vs. high-level energetic patterns such as reason (power).
They even have a system of calibrating various energy levels of people, groups, and ideas, though you can judge their methodology yourself.
On the low level of the spectrum we have energetic patterns which calibrate low such as guilt, fear, and anger.
There is a “critical line” at the 200 mark- the author believes that this is the critical tipping point from living a life of destruction/taking and actually giving value.
Before Thailand I would say that I calibrated above 200, anywhere between Courage & Willingness. This is an average calibration.
You can have multiple flows of energy inside of you, what matters is how stable it is and what your average is. For example fluctuating between shame & love would not be quite enjoyable.
You can have bits of shame, guilt, and apathy inside of you while simultaneously hold anger, courage, and willingness. The net average of these energies creates your calibration, which will greatly influence the way you experience the world as well as your degree of fulfillment.
I don’t know why, but since returning to Bulgaria my “level of energy” has dropped drastically, and I’d say it’s been often calibrating somewhere along the lines of anger!
It’s been really hard for me to return to Bulgaria for a variety of reasons.
I’ve been nervous to see my ex, devastated by seeing her (both in terms of anger and pain about the relationship split), and especially struggling with the adjustment to Europe after months spent living in Asia!
Regardless though, these are just excuses, and I have to be careful not to fall into a “victim” level of energy pattern which would certainly calibrate below the critical 200 point.
What scares me though is that I’ve been bouncing back up very slowly- not at a fast enough rate, and it’s vastly negatively affected my reality!
First, I haven’t been hardly happy at all. The days have felt like a struggle to get past, and each day I’m just ready to get to the end.
My positive habits that I’ve had for months prior to returning to Bulgaria are a massive struggle to maintain.
Today for the first time in 9 or so months I forgot to meditate in the morning- that’s extremely weird when you consider I’ve been meditating for several months prior to this day!
My workouts have also been lazy and extra difficult. In the case of my last workout, I forgot to do it during the day and ended up having to do it before bed. I was collapsing with fatigue between each set, literally resting on the floor.
That’s not a one-off situation. It’s basically been like this since returning to Bulgaria…
I’ve struggled to make progress in business, and very quickly I’ve lost the ability to even remember just how aware and happy I was in Chiang Mai. It feels like a distant reality, yet at the same time it feels like yesterday…
I’m not sure how much of this is to blame with my encounter with my ex, or if it’s other memories of Bulgaria that are resurfacing. Regardless this is extremely dangerous as I’ve wrote before.
It also feels like a “pointless pain” because had I stayed in Chiang Mai I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now (in theory).
What’s really weird and a personal observation I’ve made is that due to the “law of attraction” you attract situations akin to your “level of energy.”
This is why I consciously recognize it’s extremely dangerous to remain in Bulgaria if my level of energy can’t change here- I will attract situations that are awful.
It gets worse. I already have attracted these situations…
Since arriving I became massively sick. I got more sick than I had been in a long while. After I got better, I began developing psychosomatic physical pains and muscle tightness.
I’ve struggled with walking, and right now the problem is my neck. It doesn’t matter where the pain is- stomach, neck, leg, whatever. Where it is is irrelevant because what the pain is is just a mental-emotional pain getting trapped in the body.
This happens during levels of energy patterns under anger as far as I know. Unconscious anger (which we shall call rage, which may actually be attributed to guilt) that doesn’t get expressed turns into legitimate physical pain by causing nervous system malfunctions & muscle tightness.
For more information on that, check out “The Great Pain Deception” by Steve Ozanich.
However in my experience it doesn’t end in rage. It can also happen when you don’t feel safe, when you live inauthentically, and when you need to cry but hold it back. Instead of feeling the emotion, you feel physical pain and forget it was the emotion that was the cause.
Anyways, back on track. I’ve already attracted some highly destructive situations into my life, and it doesn’t just have to do with my physical health.
Today I was crossing the road and quickly ran across. The car, driven by an old man, aggressively hit the accelerator to scare me.
I was already in a negative, angry mindset, so I spit at the car. I began to walk away but saw that he had stopped and gotten out. I turned around as he started to get back in the car, and took another spit just to prove the point.
He then got super angry but I was already off fast-walking and then jogging away. He had impeded traffic as he was on a main road (which could only have one car) and the whole encounter was pointless.
This situation might sound a bit comical, but it’s nothing “like me” at all recently! I’ve driven in dangerous Thailand on a motorbike and handled life/death situations with a smile on my face.
Most people would say that the driver was just an asshole, but I know that subconsciously we were energetically drawn to each other.
I’ve been in this exact situation once before, and once again it happened only when I was already in an extended state of anger. You simply attract more people to fight with, even if on the surface you don’t actually want to fight.
What’s even scarier is that the energetic pattern completely took over my consciousness. I should’ve just kept walking after the first spit, but instead, totally consumed by rage, I decided to get another spit right on his car just for good measure because he retaliated in the first place.
Your level of energy perpetuates itself. It wants to continue and continue to find situations to feed it, so you have to consciously try to let it go and slowly move up this ladder. Little adjustments into your level of energy drastically affect your life.
Some other things that have happened since coming back to Bulgaria is my phone (with a case) getting its screen shattered (the most unlucky drop), my laptop deciding not to connect to any new WiFi networks, and my laptop’s screen frame deciding to totally break off.
“Coincidences?” You tell me. Most “scientists” would state that all of these things are coincidences, but the fact is I’ve got a more destructive energy running through me.
My neck is so tight, my body hurts, my emotions feel bad (when I’m not feeling numb), I’ve over-exceeded my monthly budget already, and so much more. My level of energy has vastly dropped.
I intended for Bulgaria to be reuniting with friends and having fun, and judging it out to whether I could live here permanently in the future (as I’m deciding to live between Phoenix, Sofia, or Chiang Mai).
And I may have found my answer.
While these problems are not directly caused by Sofia herself, there’s something here (and I feel it’s not just my ex) that are triggering me and causing these negative emotional loops. Perhaps it’s even the vibe itself!
Whatever it is, and I don’t know for sure yet, my level of energy has dropped drastically which is dropping my quality of life, work productivity, and progress on all my goals. I’m energetically more in a destructive state than a productive state, so the fear that I have in staying here is legitimate.
If I can’t get out of this state and back into my happy old Thailand self, I’ll have to leave ASAP. Every day I’m considering buying a flight the next day because I know how energy dynamics work just enough to know that where I’m at now is dangerous for myself and those around me.
The question I can’t get over though is… why? My ex absolutely can’t be the cause of this, though it’s possible.
The crazy thing is to be honest this began in Thailand the day of the flight. I was feeling like my great, normal self until I got to the airport.
Immediately in the airport as well as Dubai airport I could feel my level of energy start to drop. I began to descend into a kind of anger and frustration more so than what I typically experience when I travel.
The struggle of adjustment is definitely a part of the pain, but the fact is I feel it would’ve been easier to show up into any other European country than Bulgaria!
I’ve even felt a negativity towards all humans. Paranoia and fear to meet some of my old friends, and anger for all kinds of various reasons despite interactions being positive and not half as bad as I imagined they would go.
While talking to a friend about this today, he reminded me that I was “free” and could go anywhere I wanted to. I don’t have to be somewhere I don’t like.
I then had an intuitive feeling (and thought): I don’t think I even want to be here.
Maybe it took me coming to Bulgaria to realize that, but it could be true that I simply don’t want to be here.
Another one of my entrepreneurial friends left for Finland. He reported being significantly more happy since leaving, one of the main reasons being that girls are “more normal” in the sense that parties are easier to have and girls less flaky.
I didn’t even realize he considered that until I randomly said “damn, girls are flaky here.” I had met a few girls even while my vibe is positive, but all of them have flaked (besides one with a boyfriend who would just want to meet as a group of friends).
This could be my level of energy, or… I wonder if it isn’t the vibe of the places affecting me more than I could’ve imagined.
People do crazy things to pack up and live around the world for various reasons. Perhaps the last time I was here Bulgaria was a level up from where I was, but now it’s a level down and thus dragging me down a bit.
I don’t know, man. All I know is that it’s been a shocking 9 days and tomorrow will be the 10th day. The time has flown by and I don’t feel good about that in any sense at all.
It feels that I am trapped, and as I’ve written before, I feel it is all pointless.
Whereas before there was a purpose to overcoming heartbreak and adversity, now I feel there is no reason to try to overcome this pain, making all the more dangerous & painful within me.
I overcame the pain of my ex. Seeing her triggered guilt, apathy, grie, fear, desire, and anger all at once though as well as other memories associated with Bulgaria and perhaps being here in general.
Why should I have to fight through this pain all over again when I’ve done everything to get past it in the first place?
The scariest part is seeing the manifestations of this negativity already. My laptop “coincidentally” falling apart. The encounter with the angry driver.
No, those weren’t coincidences. This is my average level of energy manifesting itself in reality which is a combination of victim mindset and anger (apathy & hate).
Occasionally holding in mind the image of Buddha or Tao or Jesus has helped me ease up, relax, and even let a few tears out (which may have increased my energetic level by 1-2 points), but I’ve still got quite a few ways to go.
Luckily for me a sensory deprivation float tank spa is offering a special deal in which I can get 10 floats for about $20 each for a single month, so I’ll probably buy a bundle pack and do a ton of back to back sensory deprivation float tanks to try relax from these energetic patterns.
As I say over and over, if my level of energy does not stabilize then I must be out of Bulgaria.
I guess the reason I keep writing that is really just as a reminder to myself and announcement to the world that I refuse to let my level of energy fall. I’ve made a ton of progress, and I won’t let myself fall back down.
What do you think of this post? What do you think caused my energy to drop, and how would you suggest increasing it?
And what do you think your level of energy is? See charge below:
Peace, -Michael
